H.—May it please your Excellency, the President says that if your august master finds it inconvenient to pay that little account he need not hurry. A. F. B.—Allah forbid that the Light of the Universe should hurry about anything! H.—The matter will keep, and an ultimatum delivered about the first week in November would—— A. F. B.—May jackasses sing on your grandmother’s grave! Do you think you can use the Brother of the Prophet to further your cursed election schemes? I shall advise that the bill be paid at once. H.—Exalted sir, I fear you are pleased to talk through your turban. But I pray that you will permit me to withdraw. I must acquaint the President with your answer. [_Exit Hay._] A. F. B.—The devil go with him! If I had him in Stamboul he’d be walking on wood! ACT III MCK.—John, did you deliver my ultimatum to the Turkish Minister? HAY—Aye, that I did! And not only did I say we should send a fleet into the Dardanelles, but I ventured to add that Colonel Bryan would go into commission at once. MCK.—And did he say that he would advise his august what-does-he-call-him to pay down on the nail? H.—I am pained to say that he did not. He said that he would see you in Helfurst. MCK.—Where is that?—it sounds Dutch. H.—Yes; it is a town in Pennsylvania. MCK.—Well, I’ll meet him there and talk it over if you think the character of our ultimatum permits. H.—Certainly; it is the Ultimatum Tentative. ACT IV THE SULTAN (_by telegraph_)—Your Majesty, would you be so good as to lend a poor fellow the price of a few American missionaries? THE CZAR—God forbid! You must be more economical. Do you think I’m made of money? SULTAN—But really—— CZAR—Yes, yes, I know. Your creditors are pressing you, and all that. And you’ll promptly repay the loan—in a Golden Horn. I’ve heard it before. SULTAN—By the toe-nails of the Prophet! if I get not the money, that dog of darkness, the American President, will be after me with a sharp stick; and he’ll do, and he’ll do, and he’ll do! He has already delivered his ultimatum. CZAR—What! Is it so serious as that? My poor friend, I am sorry for you. You are in for it, sure! In American diplomacy the ultimatum is a prophecy of doom; you will be talked to death! SULTAN—Then lend me the money. CZAR—It is decreed otherwise. Kismet. SULTAN—But what am I to do? Talked to death!—that is disagreeable. CZAR—Build a mosque in which to pray that Heaven may put it into his heart to send a fleet to Constantinople and commute your punishment to bombardment. SULTAN—May jackals whelp in his harem!—that is what he says he will do. CZAR—Build two mosques. FOR INTERVENTION _President McKinley._ _Envoy Fischer._ _Secretary Gage._ _Voices._ PRESIDENT MCKINLEY—Well, Meinherr, what can we do for each other?