GNAT. Good Heav'ns! how much one man excels another! What diff'rence 'twixt a wise man and a fool! What just now happen'd proves it: coming hither I met with an old countryman, a man Of my own place and order, like myself, No scurvy fellow, who, like me, had spent In mirth and jollity his whole estate. He was in a most wretched trim; his looks Lean, sick, and dirty; and his clothes all rags. "How now!" cried I, "what means this figure, friend? Alas! says he, my patrimony's gone. --Ah, how am I reduc'd! my old acquaintance And friends all shun me."--Hearing this, how cheap I held him in comparison with me! "Why, how now? wretch, said I, most idle wretch! Have you spent all, nor left ev'n hope behind? What! have you lost your sense with your estate? Me!--look on me--come from the same condition! How sleek! how neat! how clad! in what good case! I've ev'ry thing, though nothing; naught possess, Yet naught I ever want."--"Ah, Sir, but I Have an unhappy temper, and can't bear To be the butt of others, or to take A beating now and then."--"How then! d'ye think Those are the means of thriving? No, my friend! Such formerly indeed might drive a trade: But mine's a new profession; I the first That ever struck into this road. There are A kind of men, who wish to be the head Of ev'ry thing; but are not. These I follow; Not for their sport and laughter, but for gain To laugh with them, and wonder at their parts: Whate'er they say, I praise it; if again They contradict, I praise that too: does any Deny? I too deny: affirm? I too Affirm: and in a word, I've brought myself To say, unsay, swear, and forswear, at pleasure: And that is now the best of all professions." PAR. A special fellow this! who drives fools mad. GNAT. Deep in this conversation, we at length Come to the market, where the sev'ral tradesmen, Butchers, cooks, grocers, poult'rers, fishmongers, (Who once did profit and still profit by me,) All run with joy to me, salute, invite, And bid me welcome. He, poor half-starv'd wretch, Soon as he saw me thus caress'd, and found I got my bread so easily, desired He might have leave to learn that art of me. I bade him follow me, if possible: And, as the Schools of the Philosophers Have ta'en from the Philosophers their names, So, in like manner, let all Parasites Be call'd from me Gnathonics! PAR. Mark, what ease, And being kept at other's cost, produces! GNAT. But hold, I must convey this girl to Thais, And bid her forth to sup.--Ha, Parmeno! Our rival's slave, standing at Thais' door! --How melancholy he appears! All's safe: These poor rogues find but a cold welcome here. I'll play upon this knave. (_Aside._) PAR. These fellows think This present will make Thais all their own. (_Aside._) GNAT. To Parmeno, his lov'd and honor'd friend, Gnatho sends greeting. (_Ironically._)--What are you upon? PAR. My legs. GNAT. I see it.--Is there nothing here Displeasing to you? PAR. You. GNAT. I do believe it. But prithee, is there nothing else?