The Comic History of EnglandÀ Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
History
The Comic History of England
À Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
Great Britain -- History -- Humor
According to the Scotch historians, the results of this victory were
truly marvellous, for the number of prisoners alleged to have been taken
is actually greater than the number of the combatants. The chariots and
waggons, it is also said, would have extended for many leagues, if drawn
up into a line; but this is merely one of those lengths which are too
frequently gone to by the old chroniclers. Though it is impossible that
the Scotch could have killed fifty thousand, and made double the number
of prisoners out of one hundred thousand men (unless they manufactured
fifty thousand additional foes as readily as Vauxhall can put forth its
fifty thousand additional lamps), it is, nevertheless, certain that on
this occasion England experienced the severest defeat it had encountered
since the establishment of the monarchy. Such was the effect created by
the battle of Bannockburn, that for some time after three Scotchmen were
considered equivalent to a hundred Englishmen. There is every reason
to believe that the Scotch were exceedingly vigorous in coming to the
scratch at that early period.
Encouraged by the success of his brother Robert in Scotland, Edward
Bruce thought that the crown of Ireland was a little matter that would
just suit him, and he accordingly passed over to the Green Isle, in the
hope of finding it green enough to accept him as its sovereign. He
was, for a time, successful in his project, and was actually crowned
at Carrickfergus on the 2nd of May, 1316. But after knocking about the
country, and being knocked about in the country, for a year and a half,
he got a decisive blow from the English on the 5th of October, 1318,
at Fagher, near Dundalk. Though he had landed in Ireland with only five
hundred Scotchmen, he was left dead in the field with two thousand of
his fellow-countrymen. He had been joined, no doubt, by several after
his first arrival, but if he had not, it would have been all the same
to the chroniclers, who would not have scrupled to kill the same
individuals four times over to make a total sufficiently imposing for
historical purposes. The historians would have been invaluable to a
minister of finance, for they could always create an enormous surplus
out of a vast deficiency.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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