The Comic History of EnglandÀ Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
History
The Comic History of England
À Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
Great Britain -- History -- Humor
Ethelbert died in 616, having been not only king of Kent, but
having filled the office of Bretwalda, a name given to the most
influential--or, as we should call him, the president or chairman--of
the sovereigns of the Heptarchy. His son, Eadbald, who succeeded, failed
in supporting the fame of his father. It would be useless to pursue the
catalogue of Saxons who continued mounting and dismounting the throne
of Kent--one being no sooner down than another came on--in rapid
succession. It was Egbert, king of Wessex, who, in the year 723, had
the art to seat himself on all the seven thrones at once; an achievement
which, considering the ordinary fate of one who attempts to preserve his
balance upon two stools, has fairly earned the admiration of posterity.
Let us now take a skip into Northumberland--formed by Ethelred in the
manner we have already alluded to, out of the two kingdoms of Deiri and
Bemicia--which, though not enough for two, constituted for one a very
respectable sovereignty. The crown of Northumberland seems to have been
at the disposal of any one who thought it worth his while to go and take
it; provided he was prepared to meet any little objections of the owner
by making away with him. In this manner, Osred received his _quietus_
from Kenred, a kinsman, who was killed in his turn by another of the
family: and, after a long series of assassinations, the people quietly
submitted to the yoke of Egbert.
The kingdom of East Anglia presents the same rapid panorama of murders
which settled the succession to all the Saxon thrones; and Mercia,
comprising the midland counties, furnishes all the materials for a
melodrama. Offa, one of its most celebrated kings, had a daughter,
Elfrida, to whom Ethelbert, the sovereign of the East Angles, had made
honourable proposals, and had been invited to celebrate his nuptials at
Hereford. In the midst of the festivities Offa asked Ethelbert into a
back room, in which the latter had scarcely taken a chair when his head
was unceremoniously removed from his shoulders by the father of his
intended.
Offa having extinguished the royal family of East Anglia, by snuffing
out the chief, took possession of the kingdom. In order to expiate his
crime he made friends with the pope, and exacted a penny from every
house possessed of thirty pence, or half-a-crown a year, which he sent
as a proof of penitence to the Roman pontiff. Though at first intended
by Offa as an offering, it was afterwards claimed as a tribute, under
the name of Peter's Pence, which were exacted from the people; and the
custom may perhaps have originated the dishonourable practice of robbing
Paul for the purpose of paying Peter.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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