The Comic History of EnglandÀ Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
History
The Comic History of England
À Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
Great Britain -- History -- Humor
If it be a sound philosophical truth, that two of a trade can never
agree, we may take it for granted that, _à fortiori_, seven in the same
business will be perpetually quarrelling. Such was speedily the case
with the Saxon princes; and it is not improbable that the disturbed
condition, familiarly known as a state of sixes and sevens, may have
derived its title from the turmoils of the seven Saxon sovereigns,
during the existence of the Heptarchy. Nothing can exceed the
entanglement into which the thread of history was thrown by the battles
and skirmishes of these princes. The endeavour to lay hold of the thread
would be as troublesome as the process of looking for a needle, * not
merely in a bottle of hay, but in the very bosom of a haystack. Let us,
however, apply the magnet of industry, and test the alleged fidelity
of the needle to the pole by attempting to implant in the head of the
reader a few of the points that seem best adapted for striking him.
* "A needle in a bottle of hay," is an old English phrase,
of which we cannot trace the origin. Bottled hay must have
been sad dry stuff, but it is possible the wisdom of our
ancestors may have induced them to bottle their grass as we
in the present day bottle our gooseberries.
We will take a run through the whole country as it was then divided,
and will borrow from the storehouse of tradition the celebrated pair
of seven-leagued boots, for the purpose of a scamper through the seven
kingdoms of the Heptarchy.
We will first drop in upon Kent, whose founder, Hengist, had no worthy
successor till the time of Ethelbert. This individual acted on the
principle of give and take, for he was always taking what he could, and
giving battle. He seated himself by force on the throne of Mercia, into
which he carried his arms, as if the throne of Kent had not afforded him
sufficient elbow-room. This, however, he resigned to Webba, the rightful
heir: but poor Webba (_query_ Webber) was kept like a fly in a spider's
web, as a tributary prince to the artful Ethelbert. This monarch's reign
derived, however, its real glory from the introduction of Christianity
and the destruction of many Saxon superstitions. He kept up a friendly
correspondence with Gregory, the punster pope, and author of the
celebrated _jeu de mot_ on the word Angli, in the Roman market-place.*
* The pun in question is almost too venerable for
repetition, but we insert it in a note, as no History of
England seems to be complete without it. The pope, on seeing
the British children exposed for sale in the market-place at
Rome, said they would not be Angles but Angels if they had
been Christians. _Non Angli sed Angeli forent si fuissent
Christiani._
[Illustration: 044]
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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