The Comic History of EnglandÀ Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
History
The Comic History of England
À Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
Great Britain -- History -- Humor
In 1475 Edward began to form ambitious projects with regard to France,
and sent off to Louis the Eleventh one of those claims for the crown
which some of the preceding kings of England had been in the habit of
forwarding. The letter was written in terms of marvellous politeness,
and Louis having read it, desired the herald who brought it to step
into the next room, where he was treated with great affability. Louis
complimented the letter-carrier in the most fulsome manner, recommending
him to advise his master to withdraw his claim as futile and ridiculous.
"Bless you, he don't mind me," was the modest reply of the herald;
but Louis remarked that the words of such a sensible fellow must have
considerable weight, and slipped three hundred crowns into his pouch,
with a wink of intense significance. The herald was regularly taken
aback, and his bewilderment increased when his majesty, observing, "Dear
me, what a shabby cloak you've got on," ordered three hundred yards of
crimson velvet to be cut off from the best piece in the royal wardrobe.
Garter--for such was the herald's rank--promised to do the very best he
could; for the velvet had softened him down, or smoothed him over, to
the side of Louis.
Edward nevertheless made extensive preparations to smash the French
king, and strained every nerve to get the sinews of war, which he did
by insinuating himself into the favour of his people. He emptied
their pockets with considerable grace, and was the first to give the
attractive name of Benevolences to those grants which were mercilessly
extracted from the Parliament. Edward and Louis, though hating each
other with the utmost cordiality, thought it prudent to negotiate--the
former from mercenary motives, and the latter for the sake of peace and
quiet. An interview was at last agreed upon, to take place at the bridge
of Picquigny, near Amiens, across which a partition of railings had
been thrown, to prevent treachery on either side. Louis came first, and
looked through the bars, when Edward tripped gracefully up to the
other side, bowing to within a foot of the ground, and paying a few
commonplace compliments. Louis invited Edward to Paris, they shook hands
through the bars, and the English king received a sordid bribe through
the grating, "which," says the incorrigible Comines, "was exceedingly
grating to the feelings of some of his nobles."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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