The Comic History of RomeÀ Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
History
The Comic History of Rome
À Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
Rome -- History -- Humor; Wit and humor, Pictorial
The opposing general was taken prisoner, and numbers were left dead on
the field, including several of the Samnites, who in devoting themselves
to glut the appetite of war, appear to have formed the great _pièce de
résistance_ of the period. The feast of carnage seems never to have been
complete in these days, without this very substantial dish, which seems
to have formed literally an instance of "cut and come again," for we
find a supply of Samnites always ready for fate's relentless
carving-knife. The treasure taken by Fabricius, the Roman general, was
immense, and much of it was derived from the inexhaustible Samnites,
who, though constantly being cut up like the goose with the golden eggs,
possessed one extraordinary advantage over that auriferous bird, for
they could bear the operation as often as avarice itself could require.
The booty was wonderful in amount; but the mode in which it was disposed
of, was more marvellous still; for the general, instead of following the
general custom, by pocketing all he could, distributed a large portion
of it among the soldiers, reimbursed the amount of a year's taxes to the
citizens, and sent a handsome surplus to the treasury. It is to be
regretted that we have no such examples of justice and generosity in the
present age; for if every man were to return as conscience money to the
Exchequer all that he did not fairly earn, the National Debt might soon
figure--without any figures at all--as a myth in our financial annals.
Thurii received a small Roman garrison, which not being strong enough to
defend itself, was _à fortiori_, or rather _ab impotentiori_, too weak
to protect those for whose safety it had been appointed. Rome,
therefore, despatched ten ships to its aid, in defiance of a treaty with
Tarentum, that no armed vessel should proceed beyond a certain point.
The people of Tarentum, who happened to be at the theatre, which
commanded a view of the sea, and who were evidently looking at the ocean
as a much finer spectacle than the play, observed the approach of the
ships, and leaving the actors to finish their performance to empty
benches, they rushed out to meet the enemy. The commander of the
squadron was not prepared for an audience that would hear nothing he had
to say, the sailors were alarmed at finding themselves suddenly
assailed, and the poor rowers were completely overawed at their
unexpected position. Only five ships escaped, the remainder being sunk
or captured, with all their crews and cargoes. The Tarentines fell upon
Thurii, whose cause was now completely undefended; but the Roman
garrison, instead of being despatched by the sword, was generously
despatched home by the earliest means of conveyance.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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