The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the presentSherwood, John D.
History
The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the present
Sherwood, John D.
United States -- History -- Humor
The soft, April-like rains of clemency, now and then, however, began to
fall upon these hard enactments. Quakers mildly doubted whether these
scarecrows really frightened other offenders off the fields of crime.
Silent tears, shed in secret household places over brothers and sons
hung up on high hills for stealing or trespass, began to gather, like
the waters of fountains hidden away in the depths of valleys, and to
create that large American river, Public Sentiment,—larger than the
Hudson, the Ohio, or the Mississippi,—which, rising and rising, has
swept so many abuses and errors into the gulfs of time.
That solemn Saxon joke, a coroner’s inquest, as gloomy in its
dissections, and as funny in its illogical conclusions, as in the land
of the heptarchy, was not denied to those deodand colonists whose hearts
suddenly stopped beating, and whose mortal wrecks, thrown up on that
very weary shore “Crow’ners Law” were always prizes for small bunglers.
For live men, _habeas corpus_, that great opener of illegally locked
doors, began at the close of the century to be provided.
If colonial judges sometimes wrote to England to know how to decide
cases politically edged, for fear they might cut a royal prerogative or
sharpen popular rights; or if justices of the peace—those small pedlers
of very common law, and uncommon specimens of judicial wares—dribbled
out decisions for plaintiff or defendant, not knowing which was which,
the puzzled magistrate giving opinions about the off ox, without knowing
which was the “off” or which the “near” ox; or if sometimes in extreme
cases the obfuscated and doubting arbiter of law consulted his wife and
retailed her caudle lecture to the astonished suitor, as his
well-considered judgment in the case,—in the main it may be averred that
justice was as well tolled from the mills, as in these latter days when
the judicial miller takes from the bag before the grist goes in, and
sees to it that his private gutter taps the hopper before it shakes
itself into the customer’s heap. Color is supposed to lurk just under
the outer skin, and, if placed on the scales, to be imponderable; but it
was always found that positive colors, when put on the judicial Fair
banks, were very light; the white, which is no color at all, invariably
weighing down that side of the balance, when a cinnamon-colored Indian
or a black-berried African was found in the other. The black man always
lost at the checker-board, even when the moves were claimed to be on the
square. In fact, until a few years past, when the military game called
“drafts” began, luck never favored that color at the little game of law,
at which two can play and one pay, or in fact at any of the larger games
of life in America. The bleaching-powders that whiten even the ermine
were slow in coming into use. The seventeenth century, like so many of
its ancestors, while working its double team, one white and the other
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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