The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the presentSherwood, John D.
History
The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the present
Sherwood, John D.
United States -- History -- Humor
Young America, now at the budding period of her sweet sixteen, was, with
her personal charms, her ample landed dower, and her ampler future
expectations, a damsel well worth the keenest and best efforts of the
two European rivals. France, besides being fired with the desire of
getting possession of the large commissions likely to accrue from the
handling her handsome estate, was anxious to make her Roman Catholic.
For one hundred years she had been endeavoring to persuade the young
girl to take from herself and place around her fair neck a rosary, among
whose beads, at regular intervals, were interspersed some larger than
the others wrought into shapes of cannon, swivels, little forts, and
stockades.
England, ever looking after rich wards in chancery, with solid, landed
cares, requiring a guardian, had as assiduously sought to gain the
custody, and even to win the hand of the fresh and rosy American. She
had not failed to observe the long and carefully made rosary, and had
sought several times angrily to tear it off her neck with a glaived
hand, and had more than once instigated the Iroquois to cut the shining
chain at Lakes Champlain and Erie and on the Monongahela, and to scatter
the metallic beads. She had also sent emissaries from the seaboard
westward, bearing Protestant school-houses and churches, mission-houses,
traders’ articles, and Saxon notions, to barter and exchange for the
coveted rosary.
Each of the suitors, it was evident, was more intent upon the maiden’s
fortune than her affections, more concerned about her lots than her lot.
It was also abundantly manifest that the long-standing feuds and
contentions over her possession and custody must at last and forever be
decided.
The fight for the championship for the belt of America could no longer
be postponed.
John Bull, bluff, beef-fed, plucky, and long-winded, weighing forty
stone, stepped into the ring, tossed his tarpaulin to the centre, and
having tipped off a bottle of Bass’s double XX, challenged Johnny
Crapeau to fight it out for the lass. The Frenchman stripped at once for
the fight, and with a nimble courtesy, thinly concealing his disdain,
glided within the ropes which now surrounded the champions of Europe.
Into the middle of the ring the belt was thrown. It was embroidered with
Indian bead-work at one end and with beautifully wrought and valuable
cotton fringes at the other, while picturesque figures of forest, lake,
and plain set off the centre, and precious jewels and costly stones
glittered all along either edge.
For nine years that great and deadly boxing-match lasted.
Why should we dwell upon it in detail? The world’s reporters were there,
and have given full and accurate accounts, which have been read
everywhere, except in France, with animated interest.
Most briefly, however, we may summarize the contest.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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