The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the presentSherwood, John D.
History
The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the present
Sherwood, John D.
United States -- History -- Humor
Proceeding to the rear of our Constitutional bazaar, the shopper will
find the very latest styles and modes of civil rights; pieces adapted to
dress and re-dress pulpits and printing-presses; militia uniforms; arms
without quarterings; padlocks to secure houses from being entered and
searched; devices to keep property from being taken for public use
without proper payment; jury-boxes and trial balances.
But the very latest article added to this great emporium is a curious
contrivance, said to have been invented by a Down-Easter named Sumner,
for preventing one man, even if he be draped in a mourning skin, from
being owned by another man. Of course it would strike any one but an
American as a very needless article, especially out of place among
staple goods, and one which ought never to be called for in a country
which takes such pains and pride to claim and proclaim that other
invention of a man down South, called Jefferson, whereby one man is made
equal to every other man. Still, it is well known that the Sumner
unclasping machine is a very useful one, and well supplies a need long
felt.
Attempts are now made, as we write, to introduce into public use another
article, called the Fifteenth Amendment, and to put upon it the
Constitutional patent-mark, an article which is calculated to hinder any
evilly disposed person from stripping off from another at election
time,—a period when a certain strange _rabies_ seizes Americans and
makes them inclined to tear each other and their clothing,—their
electoral vestments, or voting suits, especially if they do not suit
them. The new pattern is black and white, and although it has had as yet
a checkered fate,—some preferring it all white, some all black, others
white with a leaden-colored border,—it is thought by shrewd buyers that
the novelty will soon come into general use. These last-named goods are
far from being fashionable at the South.
One of the most surprising characteristics of our fashionable
Constitutional shopping-place is, that everybody finds here just the
article to suit his taste, judgment, and even his fancy, whimsical as it
may be. If Mr. J. C. Calhoun or Mr. J. Davis wants a complete outfit for
States rights, he walks in, and has no difficulty in finding it just to
his liking, and in a considerable variety of shades and materials. He
puts his hand on one of the new styles marked “Article X,” and is
confirmed in his choice by reading upon the label the manufacturer’s
description: “The powers not delegated to the United States by the
Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the
States respectively, or to the people.” He turns around, and, traversing
other departments, discovers sundry other articles of like style to
match these. He also lights upon more gauzy, thin, or fine-spun,
fleecier goods to throw around the exposed shoulders of the States.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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