The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the presentSherwood, John D.
History
The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the present
Sherwood, John D.
United States -- History -- Humor
Unlike his predecessor, Mr. Buchanan was not so much the representative
of a past age, as the gristled type of unboned nothings. He was
unorganized chaos, without any personal will to bring it into useful
form, swinging through a blind menstruum of thin party air, lit up only
by small fire-flies, that left a deeper darkness behind their quickly
quenched and shifting sparks. His Cabinet was of course a bureau with no
two drawers alike. Its principal one, Lewis Cass, was of rosewood, well
seasoned, beautifully grained and polished. The money-drawer, Mr. Cobb,
was of bird’s-eye maple, with eyes enough in it to see all ways. Lower
down was one of _lignum vitæ_, hard and tough, John B. Floyd, with a
knot-hole in the rear part by which access was had to the drawer above,
full of metallic corn shelled off the Treasury cob. Below this was one
of soft pine, full of treacherous, punky spots, Jacob Thompson, of and
from the Interior. And still lower, Isaac Toucey, brought on from
Hartford, Connecticut, looking like a Dismal Swamp cedar, quite unfit
for navy purposes, or in fact for aught but the flanges of a
dredging-machine, working up stagnant fever-and-ague channels.
The cotton-seeds, so widely planted by Douglas, J. Davis, Brooks, Taney,
A. H. Stephens, and others, during the preceding four years, now
sprouted up in vigorous shoots. A Constitution, hastily shaken together
by self-made delegates, mostly from Missouri, riding in foamy haste to
Lecompton, was tied with a very black cord and sent to Washington, to be
indorsed as a good thing for Kansas. Mr. Douglas struck it with his
dike-cleaver; but Mr. J. Davis, J. M. Mason, John Slidell,—booted
Knights of the African Order of the Woolly Fleece,—re-tied the severed
strings and lifted it through the halls of Congress.
[Illustration:
A MORMON FAMILY OUT FOR A WALK.
(p. 451)
]
Meanwhile, the Mormons in Utah, getting up a sort of magic-lantern show
of a rebellion,—outlining on the rocky walls of the Salt Lake basin, the
shadowy procession of females looking defiantly at United States cannon
and canons,—caused a momentary diversion from the new and growing
question of a single Union.
The next year, 1858, Minnesota, first penetrated by La Salle in 1680, a
year before William Penn stood, for the first time, on the future site
of Philadelphia, was brought in as a State, giving us St. Paul as a
northwestern Cuba for consumptives, Fort Snelling for gamblers in public
lands, and the rather low Falls of Minnehaha to be raised by a
Long-fellow into a lofty iridescence, whose rainbow strands have been
woven into heavenly fabrics in so many delighted households, American,
European, and Asiatic. On paper it is poetically higher by many feet,
iambic and trochean, than Niagara, or even the Falls of the Yosemite.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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