The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the presentSherwood, John D.
History
The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the present
Sherwood, John D.
United States -- History -- Humor
This year was made memorable by the establishment of a wonderful
republic for Ireland in Union Square, New York, and the quiet election,
without any votes, of Mr. Roberts to be its head; an Irish invention,
for the easy solution of that perplexing question of how to get enough
votes, most praiseworthy. The novel mode of raising an army, and of
replenishing a treasury, whose invisible outflow was so steady and well
regulated that it never perplexed Wall Street, were admirable
illustrations of the good-nature of the friendly sons and daughters of
Saint Patrick.
The sham-rock, on which they touched poured out streams as abundant as
the rock which Moses struck. Indeed, it was almost as good a milch cow
as Plymouth Rock.
In February, 1867, the French moths,—hatched out in 1862 in a Napoleonic
fancy nest, and darting off into Mexico, through whose chronic flames
they played with the usual results,—were terribly scorched in a candle
sent out by Mr. Seward. The head moth, Maximilian, fascinated by the
gilt of an imperial candelabra, was so burnt, that he disappeared like
the vagaries of South American empire, which hovered on the wings of
that other Gallic moth, that now flits around the gas-jets of the
Tuileries.
Mr. Johnson’s amnesties and pardons are too numerous for anything but a
calculating-machine. He began May 29, 1865, and only ended March 4,
1869. Tired of cross-reading the Constitution, he betook himself to
Scripture, and, with his mode of interpretation, spelt out a duty to
forgive all of the unrepentant, including Mr. J. Davis, the prize-taking
Breckenridge, and other conspicuous sinners.
In spite of the semi-weekly vetoes, however, which obliged Congress to
pass all laws twice, it contrived to reconstruct all of the lately
disorganizing and disorganized States except Virginia, Mississippi, and
Texas. Some very poor Northern timber and unconstitutional braces were
wrought into the hastily constructed and urgently needed fabrics, which,
however, it is to be hoped, will be speedily removed. Angry with the
solution of the puzzles, the President attempted to read athwart the
Tenure of Office Act Mr. Stanton’s war duties, for which, March 5, 1869,
he was requested by the House of Representatives to appear before the
Senate and make answer. From March 29th to May 16th his trial lasted,
interflecked by some fine veins of forensic eloquence, and at last
bringing out the value of a single vote,—that which prevented
conviction,—for the benefit of future electoral harangues.
The restless, lever pen of Mr. Seward pried up new territory for the
screaming eagle to light upon,—the distant and hazy Alas-ka, rich in
ices and other cool reasons, and St. Thomas the Danish, whose abundant
lemons may, when well mixed, allay, without quenching, our thirst for
foreign drinks.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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