The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the presentSherwood, John D.
History
The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the present
Sherwood, John D.
United States -- History -- Humor
In addition to what we have already said of Maryland, we would state
that its mild climate attracted canvas-back ducks, as its mild
principles of religious toleration brought to its borders swarms of
emigrants. Both have had a damp residence amid its amphibious shores,
where the land seems two thirds water, and the water a little more moist
than elsewhere.
[Illustration:
MAP OF MARYLAND.
(p. 105)
]
CHAPTER III.
JOHN SMITH.
John Smith historically considered.—The Number in Leading Cities
stated.—How classified.—Why he is not put in a separate Volume or in
an Appendix.—Origin of the Smiths.—American Genealogical Trees.—Smiths
up a Stump, in the Sap, and dangling from the Branches.—The Antiquity
and Ubiquity of the Smiths.—Variety and Extent of their Occupations
and Operations.—Will probably in time own all the World.—Comic
Situations of John Smiths in Cities, at Family Dinner-Parties, at
Prayer-Meetings, at Balls, in Titles to Real Estate, etc.—Whether he
can be sued.—Other Legal Questions in reference to him
considered.—John Smith of Pocahontas Fame a Myth.
As a magnet, laid amid a heap of iron-filings, gathers them all to
itself in close-fitting unity, so the figure of John Smith crystallizes
about it the elements of the early settler’s life in Virginia. Nor upon
the banks of the Chickahominy alone does John Smith stalk in romantic
proportions; but through all times, in every kingdom, state, city, and
village, at all epochs, and in every shade of barbarism or civilization,
is he found. New York holds 187; Philadelphia, 231; Boston, 35;
Brooklyn, 118; London, 480; and every capital in the world its own
appropriate complement.
No railroad can be run that does not touch his farm; no joke that does
not skim his peculiarities; no portrait that does not contain his
features; no conductor’s stealings that does not comprise his
contributions; no miller’s breakfast-bell that does not toll the knell
of a portion of his grist.
As dyers classify mankind by the color of their skins, wine-growers belt
the world by isothermal vine-lines, and lawyers divide the human race
into plaintiffs and defendants, so the historian, straining his
telescopic gaze over the centuries and the globe, and discarding the
division of the species into “mankind and the Beecher family,”—no longer
appropriate since the publication of “Norwood” reduced the latter down
to the common level,—justly sweeps all mankind into two great classes,
the Smiths and the rest of creation.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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