The Coming of BillWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
General
The Coming of Bill
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Humorous stories
“Don’t sniff at Aunt Lora, Bailey,” said Ruth. “I’ve had to speak to
you about that before. What’s the matter? What has sent you flying up
here?”
“I have had a shock,” said Bailey. “I have been very greatly disturbed.
I have just been speaking to Clarence Grayling.”
He eyed her accusingly through his gold-rimmed glasses. She remained
tranquil.
“And what had Clarence to say?”
“A great many things.”
“I gather he told you I had refused him.”
“If it were only that!”
Ruth rapped the piano sharply.
“Bailey,” she said, “wake up. Either get to the point or go or read a
book or do some tatting or talk about something else. You know
perfectly well that I absolutely refuse to endure your impressive
manner. I believe when people ask you the time you look pained and
important and make a mystery of it. What’s troubling you? I should have
thought Clarence would have kept quiet about insulting me. But
apparently he has no sense of shame.”
Bailey gaped. Bailey was shocked and alarmed.
“Insulting you! What do you mean? Clarence is a gentleman. He is
incapable of insulting a woman.”
“Is he? He told me I was a suitable wife for a wretched dwarf with the
miserably inadequate intelligence which nature gave him reduced to
practically a minus quantity by alcohol! At least, he implied it. He
asked me to marry him.”
“I have just left him at the club. He is very upset.”
“I should imagine so.” A soft smile played over Ruth’s face. “I spoke
to Clarence. I explained things to him. I lit up Clarence’s little mind
like a searchlight.”
Bailey rose, tremulous with just wrath.
“You spoke to him in a way that I can only call outrageous and
improper, and—er—outrageous.”
He paced the room with agitated strides. Ruth watched him calmly.
“If the overflowing emotion of a giant soul in torment makes you knock
over a table or smash a chair,” she said, “I shall send the bill for
repairs to you. You had far better sit down and talk quietly. What _is_
worrying you, Bailey?”
“Is it nothing,” demanded her brother, “that my sister should have
spoken to a man as you spoke to Clarence Grayling?”
With an impassioned gesture he sent a flower-vase crashing to the
floor.
“I told you so,” said Ruth. “Pick up the bits, and don’t let the water
spoil the carpet. Use your handkerchief. I should say that that would
cost you about six dollars, dear. Why will you let yourself be so
temperamental? Now let me try and think what it was I said to Clarence.
As far as I can remember it was the mere A B C of eugenics.”
Bailey, on his knees, picking up broken glass, raised a flushed and
accusing face.
“Ah! Eugenics! You admit it!”
“I think,” went on Ruth placidly, “I asked him what sort of children he
thought we were likely to have if we married.”
“A nice girl ought not to think about such things.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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