The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
I rite these lines on British sile. I've bin follerin Mrs. Victory's
hopeful sun Albert Edward threw Kanady with my onparaleled Show, and tho
I haint made much in a pecoonary pint of vew, I've lernt sumthin new,
over hear on British Sile, whare they bleeve in Saint George and the
Dragoon. Previs to cumin over hear I tawt my organist how to grind Rule
Brittany and other airs which is poplar on British Sile. I likewise
fixt a wax figger up to represent Sir Edmun Hed the Govner Ginral. The
statoot I fixt up is the most versytile wax statoot I ever saw. I've
showd it as Wm. Penn, Napoleon Bonypart, Juke of Wellington, the Beneker
Boy, Mrs. Cunningham & varis other notid persons, and also for a sertin
pirut named Hix. I've bin so long amung wax statoots that I can fix 'em
up to soot the tastes of folks, & with sum paints I hav I kin giv their
facis a beneverlent or fiendish look as the kase requires. I giv Sir
Edmun Hed a beneverlent look, & when sum folks who thawt they was smart
sed it didn't look like Sir Edmun Hed anymore than it did anybody else,
I sed, "That's the pint. That's the beauty of the Statoot. It looks
like Sir Edmun Hed or any other man. You may kall it what you pleese.
Ef it don't look like anybody that ever lived, then it's sertinly a
remarkable Statoot & well worth seein. I kall it Sir Edmun Hed. You
may kall it what you pleese!" [I had 'em thare.]
At larst I've had a interview with the Prince, tho it putty nigh cost me
my vallerble life. I cawt a glimpse of him as he sot on the Pizarro of
the hotel in Sarnia, & elbowd myself threw a crowd of wimin, children,
sojers & Injins that was hangin round the tavern. I was drawin near to
the Prince when a red-faced man in Millingtery close grabd holt of me
and axed me whare I was goin all so bold?
"To see Albert Edard the Prince of Wales," sez I; "who are you?"
He sed he was Kurnel of the Seventy Fust Regiment, Her Magisty's
troops. I told him I hoped the Seventy Onesters was in good helth,
and was passin by when he ceased hold of me agin, and sed in a tone of
indigent cirprise:
"What? Impossible! It kannot be! Blarst my hize, sir, did I understan
you to say that you was actooally goin into the presents of his Royal
Iniss?"
"That's what's the matter with me," I replide.
"But blarst my hize, sir, its onprecedented. It's orful, sir. Nothin'
like it hain't happened sins the Gun Powder Plot of Guy Forks. Owdashus
man, who air you?"
"Sir," sez I, drawin myself up & puttin on a defiant air, "I'm a
Amerycan sitterzen. My name is Ward. I'm a husband & the father of
twins, which I'm happy to state thay look like me. By perfeshun I'm a
exhibiter of wax works & sich."
"Good God!" yelled the Kurnal, "the idee of a exhibiter of wax figgers
goin into the presents of Royalty! The British Lion may well roar with
raje at the thawt!"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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