The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
Sez I, "Speakin of the British Lion, Kurnal, I'd like to make a bargin
with you fur that beast fur a few weeks to add to my Show." I didn't
meen nothin by this. I was only gettin orf a goak, but you roter hev
seen the Old Kurnal jump up & howl. He actooally fomed at the mowth.
"This can't be real," he showtid. "No, no. It's a horrid dream. Sir,
you air not a human bein--you hav no existents--yure a Myth!"
"Wall," sez I, "old hoss, yule find me a ruther onkomfortable Myth ef
you punch my inards in that way agin." I began to git a little riled,
fur when he called me a Myth he puncht me putty hard. The Kurnal now
commenst showtin fur the Seventy Onesters. I at fust thawt I'd stay &
becum a Marter to British Outraje, as sich a course mite git my name
up & be a good advertisement fur my Show, but it occurred to me that ef
enny of the Seventy Onesters shood happen to insert a barronet into my
stummick it mite be onplesunt, & I was on the pint of runnin orf when
the Prince hisself kum up & axed me what the matter was. Sez I, "Albert
Edard, is that you?" & he smilt & sed it was. Sez I, "Albert Edard,
hears my keerd. I cum to pay my respecks to the futer King of Ingland.
The Kurnal of the Seventy Onesters hear is ruther smawl pertaters, but
of course you ain't to blame fur that. He puts on as many airs as tho
he was the Bully Boy with the glass eye."
"Never mind," sez Albert Edard, "I'm glad to see you, Mister Ward, at
all events," & he tuk my hand so plesunt like & larfed so sweet that I
fell in love with him to onct. He handid me a segar & we sot down on
the Pizarro & commenst smokin rite cheerful. "Wall," sez I, "Albert
Edard, how's the old folks?"
"Her Majesty & the Prince are well," he sed.
"Duz the old man take his Lager beer reglar?" I inquired.
The Prince larfed & intermatid that the old man didn't let many kegs
of that bevridge spile in the sellar in the coarse of a year. We sot &
tawked there sum time abowt matters & things, & bimeby I axed him how he
liked bein Prince as fur as he'd got.
"To speak plain, Mister Ward," he sed, "I don't much like it. I'm sick
of all this bowin & scrapin & crawlin & hurrain over a boy like me.
I would rather go through the country quietly & enjoy myself in my own
way, with the other boys, & not be made a Show of to be garped at by
everybody. When the PEPLE cheer me I feel pleesed, fur I know they meen
it; but if these one-horse offishuls cood know how I see threw all their
moves & understan exackly what they air after, & knowd how I larft at
'em in private, thayd stop kissin my hands & fawnin over me as thay now
do. But you know, Mr. Ward, I can't help bein a Prince, & I must do all
I kin to fit myself fur the persishun I must sumtime ockepy."
"That's troo," sez I; "sickness and the docters will carry the Queen orf
one of these dase, sure's yer born."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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