The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
First akt opens at North Elby, Old Brown's humsted. Tare's a weddin
at the house. Amely, Old Brown's darter, marrys sumbody, and they all
whirl in the Messy darnce. Then Ossywattermy and his 3 sons leave fur
Kansis. Old Mrs. Ossywattermy tells 'em thay air goin on a long jurny &
Blesses 'em to slow fiddlin. Thay go to Kansis. What upon arth thay
go to Kansis fur when thay was so nice & comfortable down there to North
Elby, is more'n I know. The suns air next seen in Kausis at a tarvern.
Mister Blanc, a sinister lookin man with his Belt full of knives & hoss
pistils, axes one of the Browns to take a drink. Brown refuzis, which
is the fust instance on record whar a Brown deklined sich a invite.
Mister Blane, who is a dark bearded feroshus loohin person, then axis
him whether he's fur or fernenst Slavery. Yung Brown sez he's agin it,
whareupon Mister Blanc, who is the most sinisterest lookin man I ever
saw, sez Har, har, har I (that bein his stile of larfin wildly) & ups &
sticks a knife into yung Brown. Anuther Brown rushes up & sez, "you has
killed me Ber-ruther!" Moosic by the Band & Seen changes. The stuck
yung Brown enters supported by his two brothers. Bimeby he falls
down, sez he sees his Mother, & dies. Moosic by the Band. I lookt but
couldn't see any mother. Next Seen reveels Old Brown's cabin. He's
readin a book. He sez freedum must extend its Area & rubs his hands
like he was pleesed abowt it. His suns come in. One of 'em goes out &
cums in ded, havin bin shot while out by a Border Ruffin. The ded yang
Brown sez he sees his mother and tumbles down. The Border Ruffins then
surround the cabin & set it a fire. The Browns giv theirselves up for
gone coons, when the hired gal diskivers a trap door to the cabin & thay
go down threw it & cum up threw the bulkhed. Their merraklis 'scape
reminds me of the 'scape of De Jones, the Coarsehair of the Gulf--a tail
with a yaller kiver, that I onct red. For sixteen years he was confined
in a loathsum dunjin, not tastin of food durin all that time. When
a lucky thawt struck him! He opend the winder and got out. To
resoom--Old Brown rushes down to the footlites, gits down on his nees &
swares he'll hav revenge. The battle of Ossawatermy takes place. Old
Brown kills Mister Blanc, the sinister individooal aforesed. Mister
Blane makes a able & elerquent speech, sez he don't see his mother much,
and dies likes the son of a gentleman, rapt up in the Star Spangled
banner. Moosic by the Band. Four or five other Border ruffins air
killed, but thay don't say nothin abowt seein their mothers. From
Kansis to Harper's Ferry. Picter of a Arsenal is represented. Sojers
cum & fire at it. Old Brown cums out & permits hisself to be shot. He
is tride by two soops in milingtery Jose, and sentenced to be hung on
the gallus. Tabloo--Old Brown on a platform, pintin upards the staige
lited up with red fire. Goddiss of Liberty also on platform, pintin
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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