The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
Resolved, That my thanks is doo several members of the Baldsinville
meetin house who fur 3 whole dase hain't kalled me a sinful skoffer or
intreeted me to mend my wicked wase and jine sade meetin house to onct.
Resolved, That my Boozum teams with meny kind emoshuns towards the
follerin individoouls, to whit namelee--Mis. Square Baxter, who
Jenerusly refoozed to take a sent for a bottle of camfire; lawyer
Perkinses wife who rit sum versis on the Eppisodes; the Editer of the
Baldinsville Bugle of Liberty, who nobly assisted me in wollupin my
Kangeroo, which sagashus little cuss seriusly disturbed the Eppisodes by
his outrajus screetchins & kickins up; Mis. Hirum Doolittle, who kindly
furnisht sum cold vittles at a tryin time, when it wasunt konvenient to
cook vittles at my hous; & the Peasleys, Par Parsunses & Watsunses fur
there meny ax of kindness.
Trooly yures, ARTEMUS WARD.
____________________
BOSTON.
(A. WARD TO HIS WIFE.)
Dear Betsy: I write you this from Boston, "the Modern Atkins," as it
is denomyunated, altho' I skurcely know what those air. I'll giv you
a kursoory view of this city. I'll klassify the paragrafs under seprit
headins, arter the stile of those Emblems of Trooth and Poority, the
Washinton correspongdents!
COPP'S HILL.
The winder of my room commands a exileratin view of Copps' Hill, where
Cotton Mather, the father of the Reformers and sich, lies berrid. There
is men even now who worship Cotton, and there is wimin who wear him next
their harts. But I do not weep for him. He's bin ded too lengthy. I
ain't going to be absurd, like old Mr. Skillins, in our naberhood, who
is ninety-six years of age, and gets drunk every 'lection day, and weeps
Bitturly because he haint got no Parents. He's a nice Orphan, he is.
BUNKER HILL.
Bunker Hill is over yonder in Charleston. In 1776 a thrillin dramy
was acted out over there, in which the "Warren Combination" played star
parts.
MR. FANUEL.
Old Mr. Fanuel is ded, but his Hall is still into full blarst. This
is the Cradle in which the Goddess of Liberty was rocked, my Dear. The
Goddess hasn't bin very well durin' the past few years, and the num'ris
quack doctors she called in didn't help her any; but the old gal's
physicians now are men who understand their bizness, Major-generally
speakin', and I think the day is near when she'll be able to take her
three meals a day, and sleep nights as comf'bly as in the old time.
THE COMMON.
It is here, as ushil; and the low cuss who called it a Wacant Lot,
and wanted to know why they didn't ornament it with sum Bildins', is a
onhappy Outcast in Naponsit.
THE LEGISLATUR.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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