The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
The State House is filled with Statesmen, but sum of 'em wear queer
hats. They buy 'em, I take it, of hatters who carry on hat stores
down-stairs in Dock Square, and whose hats is either ten years ahead of
the prevailin' stile, or ten years behind it--jest as a intellectooal
person sees fit to think about it. I had the pleasure of talkin' with
sevril members of the legislatur. I told 'em the Eye of 1000 ages was
onto we American peple of to-day. They seemed deeply impressed by the
remark, and wantid to know if I had seen the Grate Orgin?
HARVARD COLLEGE.
This celebrated institootion of learnin is pleasantly situated in the
Bar-room of Parker's in School street, and has poopils from all over the
country.
I had a letter yes'd'y, by the way, from our mootual son, Artemus, Jr.,
who is at Bowdoin College in Maine. He writes that he's a Bowdoin Arab.
& is it cum to this? Is this Boy as I nurtered with a Parent's care
into his childhood's hour--is he goin' to be a Grate American humorist?
Alars! I fear it is too troo. Why didn't I bind him out to the Patent
Travellin Vegetable Pill Man, as was struck with his appearance at our
last County Fair, & wanted him to go with him and be a Pillist? Ar,
these Boys--they little know how the old folks worrit about 'em. But
my father he never had no occasion to worrit about me. You know,
Betsy, that when I fust commenced my career as a moral exhibitor with
a six-legged cat and a Bass drum, I was only a simple peasant
child--skurce 15 Summers had flow'd over my yoothful hed. But I had sum
mind of my own. My father understood this. "Go," he sed--"go, my son,
and hog the public!" (he ment, "knock em," but the old man was allus
a little given to slang). He put his withered han' tremblinly onto my
hed, and went sadly into the house. I thought I saw tears tricklin down
his venerable chin, but it might hav been tobacker jooce. He chaw'd.
LITERATOOR.
The "Atlantic Monthly," Betsy, is a reg'lar visitor to our westun home.
I like it because it has got sense. It don't print stories with piruts
and honist young men into 'em, makin' the piruts splendid fellers and
the honist young men dis'gree'ble idiots--so that our darters very
nat'rally prefer the piruts to the honist young idiots; but it gives
us good square American literatoor. The chaps that write for the
"Atlantic," Betsy, understand their bizness. They can sling ink, they
can. I went in and saw 'em. I told 'em that theirs was a high and holy
mission. They seemed quite gratified, and asked me if I had seen the
Grate Orgin.
WHERE THE FUST BLUD WAS SPILT.
I went over to Lexington yes'd'y. My Boozum hove with sollum emotions.
"& this," I sed to a man who was drivin' a yoke of oxen, "this is where
our revolutionary forefathers asserted their independence and spilt
their Blud. Classic ground!"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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