The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition) — John Shaqi
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
"Wall," the man sed, "it's good for white beans and potatoes, but was
regards raisin' wheat, t'ain't worth a damn. But hav' you seen the
Grate Orgin?"
THE POOTY GIRL IN SPECTACLES.
I returned in the Hoss Cars, part way. A pooty girl in spectacles sot
near me, and was tellin' a young man how much he reminded her of a man
she used to know in Walthan. Pooty soon the young man got out, and,
smilin' in a seductive manner, I said to the girl in spectacles, "Don't
I remind you of somebody you used to know?"
"Yes," she sed, "you do remind me of one man, but he was sent to the
penitentiary for stealin' a Bar'l of mackril--he died there, so I
conclood you ain't HIM." I didn't pursoo the conversation. I only
heard her silvery voice once more durin' the remainder of the jerney.
Turnin' to a respectable lookin' female of advanced summers, she asked
her if she had seen the Grate Orgin.
We old chaps, my dear, air apt to forget that it is sum time since we
was infants, and et lite food. Nothin' of further int'rist took place
on the cars excep' a colored gentleman, a total stranger to me, asked if
I'd lend him my diamond Brestpin to wear to a funeral in South Boston.
I told him I wouldn't--not a purpuss.
COMMON SKOOLS.
A excellent skool sistim is in vogy here. John Slurk, my old pardner,
has a little son who has only bin to skool two months, and yet he
exhibertid his father's performin' Bear in the show all last summer. I
hope they pay partic'lar 'tention to Spelin in these Skools, because if
a man can't Spel wel he's of no 'kount.
SUMMIN' UP.
I ment to have allooded to the Grate Orgin in this letter, but I haven't
seen it. Mr. Reveer, whose tavern I stop at, informed me that it can
be distinctly heard through a smoked glass in his nativ town in New
Hampshire, any clear day. But settin' the Grate Orgin aside (and
indeed, I don't think I heard it mentioned all the time I was there),
Boston is one of the grandest, sure-footedest, clear headedest,
comfortablest cities on the globe. Onlike ev'ry other large city I
was ever in, the most of the hackmen don't seem to hav' bin speshully
intended by natur for the Burglery perfession, and it's about the only
large city I know of where you don't enjoy a brilliant opportunity of
bein swindled in sum way, from the Risin of the sun to the goin down
thereof. There4 I say, loud and continnered applaus' for Boston!
DOMESTIC MATTERS.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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