The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
Followed them rather too closely, evidently, for a white-haired old man,
who immediately followed Mr. Perkins, called upon us to halt. Then in
a low firm voice he said to his son, who was just ahead of me, "John,
change places with me. I hain't got long to live, anyhow. Yonder
berryin' ground will soon have these old bones, and it's no matter
whether I'm carried there with one leg off and ter'ble gashes in the
other or not! But you, John you are young."
The old man changed places with his son. A smile of calm resignation
lit up his wrinkled face, as he sed, "Now, sir, I am ready!"
"What mean you, old man!" I sed.
"I mean that if you continner to bran'ish that blade as you have been
bran'ishin' it, you'll slash hout of some of us before we're a hour
older!"
There was some reason mingled with this white-haired old peasant's
profanity. It was true that I had twice escaped mowing off his son's
legs, and his father was perhaps naturally alarmed.
I went and sat down under a tree. "I never know'd a literary man in my
life," I overheard the old man say, "that know'd anything."
Mr. Perkins was not as valuable to me this season as I had fancied he
might be. Every afternoon he disappeared from the field regularly, and
remained about some two hours. He sed it was headache. He inherited it
from his mother. His mother was often taken in that way, and suffered a
great deal.
At the end of the two hours Mr. Perkins would reappear with his head
neatly done up in a large wet rag, and say he "felt better."
One afternoon it so happened that I soon followed the invalid to the
house, and as I neared the porch I heard a female voice energetically
observe, "You stop!" It was the voice of the hired girl, and she added,
"I'll holler for Mr. Brown!"
"Oh no, Nancy," I heard the invalid E. Perkins soothingly say, "Mr.
Brown knows I love you. Mr. Brown approves of it!"
This was pleasant for Mr. Brown!
I peered cautiously through the kitchen-blinds, and, however unnatural
it may appear, the lips of Eli Perkins and my hired girl were very near
together. She sed, "You shan't do so," and he do-soed. She also said
she would get right up and go away, and as an evidence that she was
thoroughly in earnest about it, she remained where she was.
They are married now, and Mr. Perkins is troubled no more with the
headache.
This year we are planting corn. Mr. Perkins writes me that "on accounts
of no skare krows bein put up krows cum and digged fust crop up but soon
got nother in. Old Bisbee who was frade youd cut his sons leggs off
Ses you bet go an stan up in feeld yrself with dressin gownd on & gesses
krows will keep way. This made Boys in store larf. no More terday from
"Yours "respecful "Eli Perkins,"
"his letter."
My friend Mr. D.T.T. Moore, of the "Rural New Yorker," thinks if I "keep
on" I will get in the Poor House in about two years.
If you think the honest old farmers of Barclay County want me, I will
come.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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