The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
Truly Yours, Charles F. Browne.
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BUSTS.
There are in this city several Italian gentlemen engaged in the bust
business. They have their peculiarities and eccentricities. They are
swarthy-faced, wear slouched caps and drab pea-jackets, and smoke bad
cigars. They make busts of Webster, Clay, Bonaparte, Douglas, and other
great men, living and dead. The Italian buster comes upon you solemnly
and cautiously. "Buy Napoleon?" he will say, and you may probably
answer "not a buy." "How much giv-ee?" he asks, and perhaps you will
ask him how much he wants. "Nine dollar," he will answer always.
We are sure of it. We have observed this peculiarity in the busters
frequently. No matter how large or small the bust may be, the first
price is invariably "nine dollar." If you decline paying this price, as
you undoubtedly will if you are right in your head, he again asks, "how
much giv-ee?" By way of a joke you say "a dollar," when the buster
retreats indignantly to the door, saying in a low, wild voice, "O dam!"
With his hand upon the door-latch, he turns and once more asks, "how
much giv-ee?" You repeat the previous offer, when he mutters, "O ha!"
then coming pleasantly towards you, he speaks thus: "Say! how much
giv-ee?" Again you say a dollar, and he cries, "take 'um take 'um!"
thus falling eight dollars on his original price.
Very eccentric is the Italian buster, and sometimes he calls his busts
by wrong names. We bought Webster (he called him Web-STAR) of him the
other day, and were astonished when he called upon us the next day with
another bust of Webster, exactly like the one we had purchased of him,
and asked us if we didn't want to buy "Cole, the wife-pizener!" We
endeavored to rebuke the depraved buster, but our utterance was
choked, and we could only gaze upon him in speechless astonishment and
indignation.
____________________
A HARD CASE.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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