The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 2: WarWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 2: War
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
The pleasant little town of W--, in whose schools the writer
has been repeatedly "corrected," upon whose ponds he has often
skated, upon whose richest orchards he has, with other
juvenile bandits, many times dashed in the silent midnight;
the town of W--, where it was popularly believed these bandits
would "come to a bad end," resolved to celebrate the
surrender. Rival towns had celebrated, and W-- determined to
eclipse them in the most signal manner. It is my privilege to
tell how W-- succeeded in this determination.
The great day came. It was ushered in by the roar of
musketry, the ringing of the village church bell, the
squeaking of fifes, and the rattling of drums.
People poured into the village from all over the county.
Never had W-- experienced such a jam. Never had there been
such an onslaught upon gingerbread carts. Never had New
England rum (for this was before Neal Dow's day) flowed so
freely. And W--'s fair daughters, who mounted the house-tops
to see the surrender, had never looked fairer. The old folks
came, too, and among them were several war-scarred heroes, who
had fought gallantly at Monmouth and Yorktown. These brave
sons of '76 took no part in the demonstration, but an honored
bench was set apart for their exclusive use on the piazza of
Sile Smith's store. When they were dry all they had to do was
to sing out to Sile's boy, Jerry, "a leetle New Englan' this
way, if YOU please." It was brought forthwith.
At precisely 9 o'clock, by the schoolmaster's new "Lepeen"
watch, the American and British forces marched on to the
village green and placed themselves in battle array, reminding
the spectator of the time when
"Brave Wolfe drew up his men
In a style most pretty,
On the Plains of Abraham
Before the city."
The character of Washington had been assigned to 'Squire Wood,
a well-to-do and influential farmer, while that of Cornwallis
had been given to the village lawyer, a kind-hearted but
rather pompous person, whose name was Caleb Jones.
'Squire Wood, the Washington of the occasion, had met with
many unexpected difficulties in preparing his forces, and in
his perplexity he had emptied not only his own canteen but
those of most of his aids. The consequence was--mortifying as
it must be to all true Americans--blushing as I do to tell it,
Washington at the commencement of the mimic struggle was most
unqualifiedly drunk.
The sham fight commenced. Bang! bang! bang! from the
Americans--bang! bang! bang! from the British. The bangs were
kept hotly up until the powder gave out, and then came the
order to charge. Hundreds of wooden bayonets flashed fiercely
in the sunlight, each soldier taking very good care not to hit
anybody.
"Thaz (hic) right," shouted Washington, who during the
shooting had been racing his horse wildly up and down the
line, "thaz right! GIN it to 'em! Cut their tarnal heads
off!"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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