The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 2: WarWard, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 2: War
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
The editor of the "Bugle-Horn of Liberty" here arose and said:
"I do not wish to interrupt the gentleman, but a impertant
despatch has just bin received at the telegraph office here.
I will read it. It is as follows: GOV'MENT IS ABOUT TO TAKE
VIGOROUS MEASURES TO PUT DOWN THE REBELLION! [Loud applause.]
That, said I, is cheering. That's soothing. And Washington
will be safe. [Sensation.] Philadelphia is safe. Gen.
PATTERSON'S in Philadelphia. But my heart bleeds partic'ly
for Washington. My wife says so too.
There's money enough. No trouble about MONEY. They've got a
lot of first-class bank-note engravers at Washington (which
place, I regret to say, is by no means safe) who turn out two
or three cords of money a day--good money, too. Goes well.
These bank-note engravers made good wages. I expect they lay
up property. They are full of Union sentiment. There is
considerable Union sentiment in Virginny, more especially
among the honest farmers of the Shenandoah valley. My wife
says so too.
Then it isn't money we want. But we do want MEN, and we must
have them. We must carry a whirlwind of fire among the foe.
We must crush the ungrateful rebels who are poundin' the
Goddess of Liberty over the head with slung-shots, and
stabbin' her with stolen knives! We must lick 'em quick. We
must introduce a large number of first-class funerals among
the people of the South. Betsy says so too.
This war hain't been too well managed. We all know that.
What then? We are all in the same boat--if the boat goes
down, we go down with her. Hence we must all fight. It ain't
no use to talk now about who CAUSED the war. That's played
out. The war is upon us--upon us all--and we must all fight.
We can't "reason" the matter with the foe. When, in the broad
glare of the noonday sun, a speckled jackass boldly and
maliciously kicks over a peanut-stand, do we "reason" with
him? I guess not. And why "reason" with those other Southern
people who are trying to kick over the Republic! Betsy, my
wife, says so too.
The meeting broke up with enthusiasm.
We shan't draft in Baldinsville if we can help it.
2.7. SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS.
It was customary in many of the inland towns of New England,
some thirty years ago, to celebrate the anniversary of the
surrender of Lord Cornwallis by a sham representation of that
important event in the history of the Revolutionary War. A
town meeting would be called, at which a company of men would
be detailed as British, and a company as Americans--two
leading citizens being selected to represent Washington and
Cornwallis in mimic surrender.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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