The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 2: WarWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 2: War
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
I don't think of nothin' more to write about. So, "B'leeve me
if all those endearing young charms," &c., &c.
A. Ward.
2.9. TOUCHING LETTER FROM A GORY MEMBER OF THE HOME GUARD.
Broadway, Dec. 10, '61.
Dear Father and Mother,--We are all getting along very well.
We mess at Delmonico's. Do not repine for your son. Some
must suffer for the glorious Stars and Stripes, and dear
parents, why shouldn't I? Tell Mrs. Skuller that we do not
need the blankets she so kindly sent to us, as we bunk at the
St. Nicholas and Metropolitan. What our brave lads stand most
in need of now is Fruit Cake and Waffles. Do not weep for me.
Henry Adolphus.
2.10. IN CANADA.
I'm at present existin' under a monikal form of Gov'ment. In
other words I'm travellin' among the crowned heds of Canady.
They ain't pretty bad people. On the cont'ry, they air
exceedin' good people.
Troo, they air deprived of many blessins. They don't enjoy
for instans, the priceless boon of a war. They haven't any
American Egil to onchain, and they hain't got a Fourth of July
to their backs.
Altho' this is a monikal form of Gov'ment, I am onable to
perceeve much moniky. I tried to git a piece in Toronto, but
failed to succeed.
Mrs. VICTORIA, who is Queen of England, and has all the
luxuries of the markets, includin' game in its season, don't
bother herself much about Canady, but lets her do 'bout as
she's mighter. She, however, gin'rally keeps her supplied
with a lord, who's called a Gov'ner Gin'ral. Sometimes the
politicians of Canady make it lively for this lord--for Canady
has politicians, and I expect they don't differ from our
politicians, some of 'em bein' gifted and talented liars, no
doubt.
The present Gov'ner Gin'ral of Canady is Lord MONK. I saw him
review some volunteers at Montreal. He was accompanied by
some other lords and dukes and generals and those sort of
things. He rode a little bay horse, and his close wasn't any
better than mine. You'll always notiss, by the way, that the
higher up in the world a man is, the less good harness he puts
on. Hence Gin'ral HALLECK walks the streets in plain
citizen's dress, while the second lieutenant of a volunteer
regiment piles all the brass things he can find onto his back,
and drags a forty-pound sword after him.
Monk has been in the lord bisniss some time, and I understand
it pays, tho' I don't know what a lord's wages is. The wages
of sin is death and postage stamps. But this has nothing to
do with MONK.
One of Lord MONK'S daughters rode with him on the field. She
has golden hair, a kind, good face, and wore a red hat. I
should be very happy to have her pay me and my family a visit
at Baldinsville. Come and bring your knittin', Miss MONK.
Mrs. WARD will do the fair thing by you. She makes the best
slap-jacks in America. As a slap-jackist, she has no ekal.
She wears the Belt.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
Reviews
Reviews
No reviews yet
Be the first to share your thoughts on this work.
Join the Discussion
Join the discussion
Sign in to leave a comment or review.
Sign InorCreate an account