The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 2: War — John Shaqi
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 2: WarWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 2: War
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
What the review was all about, I don't know. I haven't a
gigantic intelleck, which can grasp great questions at onct.
I am not a WEBSTER or a SEYMOUR. I am not a WASHINGTON or a
OLD ABE. Fur from it. I am not as gifted a man as HENRY WARD
BEECHER. Even the congregation of Plymouth Meetin'-House in
Brooklyn will admit that. Yes, I should think so. But while
I don't have the slitest idee as to what the review was fur, I
will state that the sojers looked pooty scrumptious in their
red and green close.
Come with me, jentle reader, to Quebeck. Quebeck was surveyed
and laid out by a gentleman who had been afflicted with the
delirium tremens from childhood, and hence his idees of things
was a little irreg'ler. The streets don't lead anywheres in
partic'ler, but everywheres in gin'ral. The city is bilt on a
variety of perpendicler hills, each hill bein' a trifle wuss
nor t'other one. Quebeck is full of stone walls, and arches,
and citadels and things. It is said no foe could ever git
into Quebeck, and I guess they couldn't. And I don't see what
they'd WANT to get in there for.
Quebeck has seen lively times in a warlike way. The French
and Britishers had a set-to there in 1759. JIM WOLFE
commanded the latters, and JO. MONTCALM the formers. Both
were hunky boys, and fit nobly. But WOLFE was too many
measles for MONTCALM, and the French was slew'd. WOLFE and
MONTCALM was both killed. In arter years a common monyment
was erected by the gen'rous people of Quebeck, aided by a
bully Earl named GEORGE DALHOUSIE, to these noble fellows.
That was well done.
Durin' the Revolutionary War B. ARNOLD made his way, through
dense woods and thick snows, from Maine to Quebeck, which it
was one of the hunkiest things ever done in the military line.
It would have been better if B. ARNOLD'S funeral had come off
immeditly on his arrival there.
On the Plains of Abraham there was onct some tall fitin', and
ever since then there has been a great demand for the bones of
the slew'd on that there occasion. But the real ginooine
bones was long ago carried off, and now the boys make a hansum
thing by cartin' the bones of hosses and sheep out there, and
sellin' 'em to intelligent American towerists. Takin' a
perfessional view of this dodge, I must say that it betrays
genius of a lorfty character.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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