The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 2: WarWard, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 2: War
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
It reminded me of a inspired feet of my own. I used to
exhibit a wax figger of HENRY WILKINS, the Boy Murderer.
HENRY had, in a moment of inadvertence, killed his Uncle
EPHRAM and walked off with the old man's money. Well, this
stattoo was lost somehow, and not sposin' it would make any
particler difference I substitooted the full-grown stattoo of
one of my distinguished piruts for the Boy Murderer. One
night I exhibited to a poor but honest audience in the town of
Stoneham, Maine. "This, ladies and gentlemen," said I,
pointing my umbrella (that weapon which is indispensable to
every troo American) to the stattoo, "this is a life-like wax
figger of the notorious HENRY WILKINS, who in the dead of
night murdered his Uncle EPHRAM in cold blood. A sad warning
to all uncles havin' murderers for nephews. When a mere child
this HENRY WILKINS was compelled to go to the Sunday-school.
He carried no Sunday-school book. The teacher told him to go
home and bring one. He went and returned with a comic song-
book. A depraved proceedin'."
"But," says a man in the audience, "when you was here before
your wax figger represented HENRY WILKINS as a boy. Now,
HENRY was hung, and yet you show him to us now as a full-grown
man! How's that?"
"The figger has growd, sir--it has growd," I said.
I was angry. If it had been in these times I think I should
have informed agin him as a traitor to his flag, and had him
put in Fort Lafayette.
I say adoo to Quebeck with regret. It is old-fogyish, but
chock-full of interest. Young gentlemen of a romantic turn of
mind, who air botherin' their heads as to how they can spend
their father's money, had better see Quebeck.
Altogether I like Canady. Good people and lots of pretty
girls. I wouldn't mind comin' over here to live in the
capacity of a Duke, provided a vacancy occurs, and provided
further I could be allowed a few star-spangled banners, a
eagle, a boon of liberty, etc.
Don't think I've skedaddled. Not at all. I'm coming home in
a week.
Let's have the Union restored as it was, if we can; but if we
can't, I'M IN FAVOR OF THE UNION AS IT WASN'T. But the Union,
anyhow.
Gentlemen of the editorial corpse, if you would be happy be
virtoous! I who am the emblem of virtoo, tell you so.
(Signed,) "A Ward."
2.11. THE NOBLE RED MAN.
The red man of the forest was form'ly a very respectful
person. Justice to the noble aboorygine warrants me in sayin'
that orrigernerly he was a majestic cuss.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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