The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 2: War — John Shaqi
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 2: WarWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 2: War
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
Afore I comments this letter from the late rebil capitol I
desire to cimply say that I hav seen a low and skurrilus noat
in the paper from a certin purson who singes hisself Olonzo
Ward, & sez he is my berruther. I did ONCE hav a berruther of
that name, but I do not recugnize him now. To me he is wuss
than ded! I took him from collige sum 16 years ago and gave
him a good situation as the Bearded Woman in my Show. How did
he repay me for this kindness? He basely undertook (one day
while in a Backynalian mood on rum & right in sight of the
aujience in the tent) to stand upon his hed, whareby he
betray'd his sex on account of his boots & his Beard fallin'
off his face, thus rooinin' my prospecks in that town, &
likewise incurrin' the seris displeasure of the Press, which
sed boldly I was triflin with the feelin's of a intelligent
public. I know no such man as Olonzo Ward. I do not even
wish his name breathed in my presents. I do not recognize
him. I perfectly disgust him.
RICHMOND.
The old man finds hisself once more in a Sunny climb. I cum
here a few days arter the city catterpillertulated.
My naburs seemed surprised & astonisht at this darin' bravery
onto the part of a man at my time of life, but our family was
never know'd to quale in danger's stormy hour.
My father was a sutler in the Revolootion War. My father once
had a intervoo with Gin'ral La Fayette.
He asked La Fayette to lend him five dollars, promisin' to pay
him in the Fall; but Lafy said "he couldn't see it in those
lamps." Lafy was French, and his knowledge of our langwidge
was a little shaky.
Immejutly on my 'rival here I perceeded to the Spotswood
House, and callin' to my assistans a young man from our town
who writes a good runnin' hand, I put my ortograph on the
Register, and handin' my umbrella to a baldheded man behind
the counter, who I s'posed was Mr. Spotswood, I said, "Spotsy,
how does she run?"
He called a cullud purson, and said,
"Show the gen'lman to the cowyard, and giv' him cart number
1."
"Isn't Grant here?" I said. "Perhaps Ulyssis wouldn't mind my
turnin' in with him."
"Do you know the Gin'ral?" inquired Mr. Spotswood.
"Wall, no, not 'zacky; but he'll remember me. His
brother-in-law's Aunt bought her rye meal of my uncle Levi
all one winter. My uncle Levi's rye meal was--"
"Pooh! pooh!" said Spotsy, "don't bother me," and he shuv'd
my umbrella onto the floor. Obsravin' to him not to be so
keerless with that wepin, I accompanid the African to my
lodgins.
"My brother," I sed, "air you aware that you've bin
mancipated? Do you realize how glorus it is to be free? Tell
me, my dear brother, does it not seem like some dreams, or do
you realize the great fact in all its livin' and holy
magnitood?"
He sed he would take some gin.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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