The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 2: WarWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 2: War
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
I was show'd to the cowyard and laid down under a one-mule
cart. The hotel was orful crowded, and I was sorry I hadn't
gone to the Libby Prison. Tho' I should hav' slept comf'ble
enuff if the bed-clothes hadn't bin pulled off me durin' the
night, by a scoundrul who cum and hitched a mule to the cart
and druv it off. I thus lost my cuverin', and my throat feels
a little husky this mornin'.
Gin'ral Hulleck offers me the hospitality of the city, givin
me my choice of hospitals.
He has also very kindly placed at my disposal a smallpox
amboolance.
UNION SENTIMENT.
There is raly a great deal of Union sentiment in this city. I
see it on ev'ry hand.
I met a man to-day--I am not at liberty to tell his name, but
he is a old and inflooentooial citizen of Richmond, and sez
he, "Why! We've bin fightin' agin the Old Flag! Lor' bless
me, how sing'lar!" He then borrer'd five dollars of me and
bust into a flood of teers.
Sed another (a man of standin' and formerly a bitter rebuel),
"Let us at once stop this effooshun of Blud! The Old Flag is
good enuff for me. Sir," he added, "you air from the North!
Have you a doughnut or a piece of custard pie about you?"
I told him no, but I knew a man from Vermont who had just
organized a sort of restaurant, where he could go and make a
very comfortable breakfast on New England rum and cheese. He
borrowed fifty cents of me, and askin' me to send him Wm.
Lloyd Garrison's ambrotype as soon as I got home, he walked
off.
Said another, "There's bin a tremendous Union feelin here from
the fust. But we was kept down by a rain of terror. Have you
a dagerretype of Wendell Phillips about your person? and will
you lend me four dollars for a few days till we air once more
a happy and united people."
JEFF. DAVIS.
Jeff. Davis is not pop'lar here. She is regarded as a
Southern sympathizer. & yit I'm told he was kind to his
Parents. She ran away from 'em many years ago, and has never
bin back. This was showin' 'em a good deal of consideration
when we refleck what his conduck has been. Her captur in
female apparel confooses me in regard to his sex, & you see I
speak of him as a her as frekent as otherwise, & I guess he
feels so hisself.
R. LEE.
Robert Lee is regarded as a noble feller.
He was opposed to the war at the fust, and draw'd his sword
very reluctant. In fact, he wouldn't hav' drawd his sword at
all, only he had a large stock of military clothes on hand,
which he didn't want to waste. He sez the colored man is
right, and he will at once go to New York and open a Sabbath
School for negro minstrels.
THE CONFEDERATE ARMY.
The surrender of R. Lee, J. Johnston and others leaves the
Confedrit Army in a ruther shattered state. That army now
consists of Kirby Smith, four mules and a Bass drum, and is
movin' rapidly to'rds Texis.
A PROUD AND HAWTY SUTHENER.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
Reviews
Reviews
No reviews yet
Be the first to share your thoughts on this work.
Join the Discussion
Join the discussion
Sign in to leave a comment or review.
Sign InorCreate an account