The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 3: Stories and Romances — John Shaqi
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 3: Stories and RomancesWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 3: Stories and Romances
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
Seventeen years have become ingulfed in the vast and moist ocean
of eternity since the scene depicted in the last chapter
occurred. We are in Mexico. Come with me to the Scarlet
Banditti's cave. It is night. A tempest is raging tempestuously
without, but within we find a scene of dazzling magnificence.
The cave is spacious. Chandeliers of solid gold hang up
suspended around the gorgeously furnished room, and the marble
floor is star-studded with flashing diamonds. It must have cost
between two hundred dollars to fit this cave up. It embraced all
of the modern improvements. At the head of the cave life-size
photographs (by Ryder) of the bandits, and framed in gilt, were
hung up suspended. The bandits were seated around a marble
table, which was sculped regardless of expense, and were drinking
gin and molasses out of golden goblets. When they got out of gin
fresh supplies were brought in by slaves from a two-horse wagon
outside, which had been captured that day, after a desperate and
bloody struggle, by the bandits, on the plains of Buena Vista.
At the head of the table sat the Chief. His features were
swarthy but elegant. He was splendidly dressed in new clothes,
and had that voluptuous, dreamy air of grandeur about him which
would at once rivet the gaze of folks generally. In answer to a
highly enthusiastic call he arose and delivered an able and
eloquent speech. We regret that our space does not permit us to
give this truly great speech in full--we can merely give a
synopsis of the distinguished speaker's remarks. "Comrades!
listen to your chief. You all know my position on Lecompton.
Where I stand in regard to low tolls on the Ohio Canal is equally
clear to you, and so with the Central American question. I
believe I understand my little Biz. I decline defining my
position on the Horse Railroad until after the Spring Election.
Whichever way I says I don't say so myself unless I says so also.
Comrades! be virtuous and you'll be happy." The Chief sat down
amidst great applause, and was immediately presented with an
elegant gold headed cane by his comrades, as a slight testimonial
of their respect.
CHAPTER III.
"This is the last of Earth."--Page.
"The hope of America lies in its well-conducted school-houses."
--Bone.
"I wish it to be distinctly understood that I want the Union to
be Reserved."--N.T. Nash.
"Sine qua non Ips Dixit Quid pro quo cui bono Ad infininim E
Unibus plurum."--Brown.
Two hours later. Return we again to the Banditti's Cave.
Revelry still holds high carnival among the able and efficient
bandits. A knock is heard at the door. From his throne at the
head of the table the Chief cries, "Come in!" and an old man,
haggard, white-haired, and sadly bent, enters the cave.
"Messieurs," he tremblingly ejaculates, "for seventeen years I
have not tasted of food!"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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