The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 3: Stories and Romances — John Shaqi
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 3: Stories and RomancesWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 3: Stories and Romances
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
She came down the graveled walk to meet me, on this beautiful
midsummer night--came to me in pure white, her golden hair in
splendid disorder--strangely beautiful, yet in tears!
She told me her fresh grievances.
The Marquis, always a despot, had latterly misused her most
vilely.
That very morning, at breakfast, he had cursed the fishballs and
sneered at the pickled onions.
She is a good cook. The neighbors will tell you so. And to be
told by the base Marquis--a man who, previous to his marriage,
had lived at the cheap eating-houses--to be told by him that her
manner of frying fishballs was a failure--it was too much.
Her tears fell fast. I too wept. I mixed my sobs with her'n.
"Fly with me!" I cried.
Her lips met mine. I held her in my arms. I felt her breath
upon my cheek! It was Hunkey.
"Fly with me. To New York! I will write romances for the Sunday
papers--real French romances, with morals to them. My style will
be appreciated. Shop girls and young mercantile persons will
adore it, and I will amass wealth with my ready pen."
Ere she could reply--ere she could articulate her ecstasy, her
husband, the Marquis, crept snake-like upon me.
Shall I write it? He kicked me out of the garden--he kicked me
into the street.
I did not return. How could I? I, so ethereal, so full of soul,
of sentiment, of sparkling originality! He, so gross, so
practical, so lop-eared!
Had I returned, the creature would have kicked me again.
So I left Paris for this place--this place, so lonely, so dismal.
Ah me!
Oh dear!
3.3. A ROMANCE.--WILLIAM BARKER, THE YOUNG PATRIOT.
I.
"No, William Barker, you cannot have my daughter's hand in
marriage until you are her equal in wealth and social position."
The speaker was a haughty old man of some sixty years, and the
person whom he addressed was a fine-looking young man of
twenty-five.
With a sad aspect the young man withdrew from the stately
mansion.
II.
Six months later the young man stood in the presence of the
haughty old man.
"What! YOU here again?" angrily cried the old man.
"Ay, old man," proudly exclaimed William Barker. "I am here,
your daughter's equal and yours?"
The old man's lips curled with scorn. A derisive smile lit up
his cold features; when, casting violently upon the marble center
table an enormous roll of greenbacks, William Barker cried--
"See! Look on this wealth. And I've tenfold more! Listen, old
man! You spurned me from your door. But I did not despair. I
secured a contract for furnishing the Army of the -- with beef--"
"Yes, yes!" eagerly exclaimed the old man.
"--and I bought up all the disabled cavalry horses I could find--"
"I see! I see!" cried the old man. "And good beef they make,
too."
"They do! they do! and the profits are immense."
"I should say so!"
"And now, sir, I claim your daughter's fair hand!"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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