The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 3: Stories and RomancesWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 3: Stories and Romances
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
"Boy, she is yours. But hold! Look me in the eye. Throughout
all this have you been loyal?"
"To the core!" cried William Barker.
"And," continued the old man, in a voice husky with emotion, "are
you in favor of a vigorous prosecution of the war?"
"I am, I am!"
"Then, boy take her! Maria, child, come hither. Your William
claims thee. Be happy, my children! And whatever our lot in life
may be, LET US ALL SUPPORT THE GOVERNMENT!"
3.4. A ROMANCE--THE CONSCRIPT.
[Which may bother the reader a little unless he is familiar with
the music of the day.]
CHAPTER I.
Philander Reed struggled with spool-thread and tape in a dry-
goods store at Ogdensburg, on the St. Lawrence River, State of
New York. He Rallied Round the Flag, Boys, and HAILED Columbia
every time she passed that way. One day a regiment returning
from the war Came Marching Along, bringing An Intelligent
Contraband with them, who left the South about the time Babylon
was a-Fallin', and when it was apparent to all well-ordered minds
that the Kingdom was Coming, accompanied by the Day of Jubilee.
Philander left his spool-thread and tape, rushed into the street,
and by his Long-Tail Blue, sed, "Let me kiss him for his Mother."
Then, with patriotic jocularity, he inquired, "How is your High
Daddy in the Morning?" to which Pomp of Cudjo's Cave replied,
"That poor Old Slave has gone to rest, we ne'er shall see him
more! But U.S.G. is the man for me, or Any other Man." Then he
Walked Round.
"And your Master," sed Philander, "where is he?"
"Massa's in the cold, cold ground--at least I hope so!" sed the
gay contraband.
"March on, March on! all hearts rejoice!" cried the Colonel, who
was mounted on a Bob-tailed nag--on which, in times of Peace, my
soul, O Peace! he had betted his money.
"Yaw," sed a German Bold Sojer Boy, "we don't-fights-mit-Segel as
much as we did."
The regiment marched on, and Philander betook himself to his
mother's Cottage Near the Banks of that Lone River, and rehearsed
the stirring speech he was to make that night at a war meeting.
"It's just before the battle, Mother," he said, "and I want to
say something that will encourage Grant."
CHAPTER II.--MABEL.
Mabel Tucker was an orphan. Her father, Dan Tucker, was run over
one day by a train of cars though he needn't have been, for the
kind-hearted engineer told him to Git out of the Way.
Mabel early manifested a marked inclination for the milinery
business, and at the time we introduce her to our readers she was
Chief Engineer of a Millinery Shop and Boss of a Sewing Machine.
Philander Reed loved Mabel Tucker, and Ever of her was Fondly
Dreaming; and she used to say, "Will you love me Then as Now?" to
which he would answer that he would, and WITHOUT the written
consent of his parents.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
Reviews
Reviews
No reviews yet
Be the first to share your thoughts on this work.
Join the Discussion
Join the discussion
Sign in to leave a comment or review.
Sign InorCreate an account