The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 3: Stories and RomancesWard, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 3: Stories and Romances
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
"'Tis well!" said the King, rising and looking fiercely around.
"Hadst thou proved false I would with my own good sword have cut
off yer head, and spilled your ber-lud all over the floor! If I
wouldn't, blow me!"
CHAPTER III.--THE ROVER.
Thrilling as the scenes depicted in the preceding chapter
indubitably were, those of this are decidedly THRILLINGER.
Again are we in the mighty presence of the King, and again is
he surrounded by splendour and gorgeously-mailed courtiers. A
sea-faring man stands before him. It is Roberto the Rover,
disguised as a common sailor.
"So," said the King, "thou wouldst have audience with me!"
"Aye aye, yer 'onor," said the sailor, "just tip us yer grapplin
irons and pipe all hands on deck. Reef home yer jib poop and
splice yer main topsuls. Man the jibboom and let fly yer
top-gallunts. I've seen some salt water in my days, yer land
lubber, but shiver my timbers if I hadn't rather coast among
seagulls than landsharks. My name is Sweet William. You're old
Dick the Three. Ahoy! Awast! Dam my eyes!" and Sweet William
pawed the marble floor and swung his tarpaulin after the manner
of sailors on the stage, and consequently not a bit like those
on shipboard.
"Mariner," said the King, gravely, "thy language is exceeding
lucid, and leads me to infer that things is workin' bad."
"Aye, aye, my hearty!" yelled Sweet William, in dulcet strains,
reminding the King of the "voluptuous smell of physic," spoken
of by the late Mr. Byron.
"What wouldst thou, seafaring man?" asked the King.
"This!" cried the Rover, suddenly taking off his maritime
clothing and putting on an expensive suit of silk, bespangled
with diamonds. "This! I am Roberto the Rover!"
The King was thunder-struck. Cowering back in his chair of
state, he said in a tone of mingled fear and amazement, "Well,
may I be gaul-darned!"
"Ber-lud! Ber-lud! Ber-lud!" shrieked the Rover, as he drew a
horse-pistol and fired it at the King, who fell fatally killed,
his last words being, "WE ARE GOVENRED TOO MUCH--THIS IS THE LAST
OF EARTH!!!" At this exciting juncture Messrs. O'Mulligan and
Schnappsgoot (who had previously entered into a copartnership
with the Rover for the purpose of doing a general killing
business) burst into the room and cut off the heads and let out
the inwards of all the noblemen they encountered. They then
killed themselves and died like heroes, wrapped up in the Star
Spangled Banner, to slow music.
FINALE.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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