The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 4: To California and ReturnWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 4: To California and Return
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
He was an Elder at the first formal Mormon "stake" in this country,
at Kirtland, Ohio, and went to Nauvoo with Joseph Smith. That
distinguished Mormon handed his mantle and the Prophet business
over to Brigham when he died at Nauvoo.
Smith did a more flourishing business in the Prophet line than B.Y.
does. Smith used to have his little Revelation almost every day--
sometimes two before dinner. B.Y. only takes one once in a while.
The gateway of his block is surmounted by a brass American eagle,
and they say ("they say" here means anti-Mormons) that he receives
his spiritual dispatches through this piece of patriotic poultry.
They also say that he receives revelations from a stuffed white
calf that is trimmed with red ribbons and kept in an iron box. I
don't suppose these things are true. Rumor says that when the Lion
House was ready to be shingled, Brigham received a message from the
Lord stating that the carpenters must all take hold and shingle it,
and not charge a red cent for their services. Such carpenters as
refused to shingle would go to hell, and no postponement on account
of the weather. They say that Brigham, whenever a train of
emigrants arrives in Salt Lake City, orders all the women to march
up and down before his block, while he stands on the portico of the
Lion House and gobbles up the prettiest ones.
He is an immensely wealthy man. His wealth is variously estimated
at from ten to twenty millions of dollars. He owns saw mills,
grist mills, woollen factories, brass and iron foundries, farms,
brick-yards, &c., and superintends them all in person. A man in
Utah individually owns what he grows and makes, with the exception
of a one-tenth part: that must go to the Church; and Brigham Young,
as the first President, is the Church's treasurer. Gentiles, of
course, say that he abuses this blind confidence of his people, and
speculates with their money, and absorbs the interest if he doesn't
the principle. The Mormons deny this, and say that whatever of
their money he does use is for the good of the Church; that he
defrays the expenses of emigrants from far over the seas; that he
is foremost in all local enterprises tending to develop the
resources of the territory, an that, in short, he is incapable of
wrong in any shape.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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