The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 4: To California and ReturnWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 4: To California and Return
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
There is an eccentric Mormon at Salt Lake City of the name of W.W.
Phelps. He is from Cortland, State of New York, and has been a
Saint for a good many years. It is said he enacts the character of
the Devil, with a pea-green tail, in the Mormon initiation
ceremonies. He also published an almanac, in which he blends
astronomy with short moral essays, and suggestions in regard to the
proper management of hens. He also contributes a poem, entitled
"The Tombs," to his almanac for the current year, from which I
quote the last verse:--
"Choose ye: to rest with stately grooms;
Just such a place there is for sleeping;
Where everything, in common keeping,
Is free from want and worth and weeping;
There folly's harvest is a reaping.
Down in the grave among the tombs."
Now, I know that poets and tin-pedlars are "licensed," but why does
W.W.P. advise us to sleep in the barn with the ostlers? These are
the most dismal tombs on record, not except the Tomb of the
Capulets, the Tombs of New York, or the Toombs of Georgia.
Under the head of "OLD Sayings," Mr. P. publishes the following.
There is a modesty about the last "saying" which will be pretty apt
to strike the reader:--
"The Lord does good and Satan evil, said Moses.
Sun and moon, see me conquer, said Joshua.
Virtue exalts a woman, said David.
Fools and folly frolic, said Solomon.
Judgments belong to God, said Isaiah.
The path of the just is plain, said Jeremiah.
The soul that sins dies, said Ezekiel.
The wicked do wicked, said Daniel.
Ephraim fled and hid, said Hosea.
The Gentiles war and waste, said Joel.
The second reign is peace and plenty, said Amos.
Zion is the house of the gods, said Obadiah,
A fish saved me, said Jonah.
Our Lion will be terrible, said Micah.
Doctor, cure yourself, said the Saviour.
Live to live again, said W.W. Phelps."
4.16. HURRAH FOR THE ROAD!
TIME, Wednesday afternoon, February 10. The Overland Stage, Mr.
William Glover on the box, stands before the veranda of the Salt
Lake House. The genial Nat Stein is arranging the waybill. Our
baggage (the Overland passenger is allowed twenty-five pounds) is
being put aboard, and we are shaking hands, at a rate altogether
furious, with Mormon and Gentile. Among the former are Brothers
Stenhouse, Caine, Clawson and Townsend; among the latter are Harry
Riccard, the big-hearted English mountaineer (though once he wore
white kids and swallow-tails in Regent Street, and in boyhood went
to school with Miss Edgeworth, the novelist), the daring explorer
Rood, from Wisconsin; th e Rev. James McCormick, missionary, who
distributes pasteboard tracts among the Bannock miners; and the
pleasing child of gore, Captain D. B. Stover, of the commissary
department.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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