The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 4: To California and ReturnWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 4: To California and Return
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
"Captain Rogers," said the Colonel, " gentlemen do not swear on a
solemn occasion like this. We may fall, but falling in a glorious
cause, let us die as Christians, not as rowdies, with oaths upon
our lips. Captain Rogers, let us -"
Another shell, a sprightlier one than its predecessor, tears the
earth fearfully in the immediate vicinity of Col. Chivington,
filling his eyes with dirt and knocking off his hat.
"Why, G- d- Their souls to h- ," he roared, "they've put
my eyes out- AS CAPTAIN ROGERS WOULD SAY!"
But the Colonel's eyes were not seriously damaged, and he went in.
Went in, and came out victorious.
. . . .
We reach Julesberg, Colorado, the 1st of March. We are in the
country of the Sioux Indians now, and encounter them by the
hundred. A Chief offers to sell me his daughter (a fair young
Indian maiden) for six dollars and two quarts of whisky. I decline
to trade.
Meals which have hitherto been 1 dol. Are now 75 cents. Eggs
appear on the table occasionally, and we hear of chickens farther
on. Nine miles from here we enter Nebraska territory. Here is an
occasionally fenced farm, and the ranches have bar-rooms. Buffalo
skins and buffalo tongues are on sale at most of the stations. We
reach South Platte on the 2d, and Fort Kearney on the 3d. The 7th
Iowa Calvary are here, under the command of Captain Wood. At
Cottonwood, a days ride back, we had taken aboard Major O'Brien,
commanding the troops there, and a jovial warrior he is, too.
Meals are now down to 50 cents, and a good deal better than when
they were 1 dol.
KANSAS, 105 miles from Atchison. Atchison! No traveller by sea
ever longed to set his foot on shore as we longed to reach the end
of our dreary coach-ride over the wildest part of the whole
continent. How we talked Atchison, and dreamed Atchison, for the
next fifty hours! Atchison, I shall always love you. You were
evidently mistaken, Atchison, when you told me that in case I
"lectured" there, immense crowds would throng to the hall; but you
are very dear to me. Let me kiss you for your maternal parent!
We are passing through the reservation of the Otoe Indians, who
long ago washed the war-paint from their faces, buried the
tomahawk, and settled down into quiet, prosperous farmers.
. . . .
We rattle leisurely into Atchison on a Sunday evening. Lights
gleam in the windows of milk-white churches, and they tell us, far
better than anything else could, that we are back to civilization
again.
An overland journey in winter is a better thing to have done than
to do. In the spring, however, when the grass is green on the
great prairies, I fancy one might make the journey a pleasant one,
with his own outfit and a few choice friends.
4.17. VERY MUCH MARRIED.
Are the Mormon women happy?
I give it up. I don't know.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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