The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 4: To California and ReturnWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 4: To California and Return
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
The distance from Sacramento to Atchison, Kansas, by the Overland
stage route, is 2200 miles, but you can happily accomplish a part
of the journey by railroad. The Pacific Railroad id completed
twelve miles to Folsom, leaving only 2188 miles to go by stage.
This breaks the monotony; but as it is midwinter and as there are
well substantiated reports of the Piute savages being in one of
their sprightly moods when they scalp people, I do not I may say
that I do not leave the Capital of California in a light-hearted
and joyous manner. But "leaves have their time to fall," and I
have my time to leave, which is now.
We ride all day and all night, and ascend and descend some of the
most frightful hills I ever saw. We make Johnson's Pass, which is
6752 feet high, about two o'clock in the morning, and go down the
great Kingsbury grade with locked wheels. The driver, with whom I
sit outside, informs me, as we slowly roll down this fearful
mountain road, which looks down on either side into an appalling
ravine, that he has met accidents in his time, and cost the
California Stage Company a great deal of money; "because," he says,
"juries is agin us on principle, and every man who sues us is sure
to recover. But it will never be so agin, not with ME, you bet."
"How is that?" I said.
It was frightfully dark. It was snowing withal, and
notwithstanding the brakes were kept hard down, the coach slewed
wildly, often fairly touching the brink of the black precipice.
"How is that?" I said.
"Why, you see," he replied, "that corpses never sue for damages,
but maimed people do. And the next time I have a overturn I shall
go round and keerfully examine the passengers. Them as is dead I
shall let alone; but them as is mutilated I shall finish with the
king-bolt! Dead folks don't sue. They ain't on it."
Thus with anecdote did this driver cheer me up.
4.5. WASHOE.
We reach Carson City about nine o'clock in the morning. It is the
capital of the silver-producing territory of Nevada.
They shoot folks here somewhat, and the law is rather partial than
otherwise to first-class murderers.
I visit the territorial Prison, and the Warden points out the
prominent convicts to me thus:
"This man's crime was horse-stealing. He is here for life."
"This man is in for murder. He is here for three years."
But shooting isn't as popular in Nevada as it once was. A few
years since they used to have a dead man for breakfast every
morning. A reformed desperado told my that he supposed he had
killed men enough to stock a graveyard. "A feeling of remorse,"
he said, "sometimes comes over me! But I'm an altered man now.
I hain't killed a man for over two weeks! What'll yer poison
yourself with?" he added, dealing a resonant blow on the bar.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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