The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 6: Artemus Ward's Panorama — John Shaqi
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 6: Artemus Ward's PanoramaWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 6: Artemus Ward's Panorama
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
I hope his sad end will be a warning to all young wives who
go out walking with handsome young men. Mr. Kimball's son
is now no more. He sleeps beneath the cypress--the myrtle--
and the willow. This music is a dirge by the eminent
pianist for Mr. Kimball's son. He died by request.
I regret to say that efforts were made to make a Mormon of
me while I was in Utah.
It was leap-year when I was there--and seventeen young
widows--the wives of a deceased Mormon--offered me their
hearts and hands. I called on them one day--and taking
their soft white hands in mine--which made eighteen hands
altogether--I found them in tears.
And I said--"Why is this thus? What is the reason of this
thusness?"
They hove a sigh--seventeen sighs of different size--They
said--
"Oh--soon thou wilt be gonested away!"
I told them that when I got ready to leave a place I
wentested.
They said--"Doth not like us?"
I said--"I doth--I doth!"
I also said--"I hope your intentions are honorable--as I am
a lone child--my parents being far--far away."
They then said--"Wilt not marry us?"
I said--"Oh--no--it cannot was."
Again they asked me to marry them--and again I declined.
When they cried--
"Oh--cruel man! This is too much--oh! too much!"
I told them that it was on account of the muchness that I
declined.
(Picture.) This is the Mormon Temple.
It is built of adobe--and will hold five thousand persons
quite comfortably. A full brass and string band often
assists the choir of this church--and the choir--I may add--
is a remarkably good one.
Brigham Young seldom preaches now. The younger elders--
unless on some special occasion--conduct the services. I
only heard Mr. Young once. He is not an educated man--but
speaks with considerable force and clearness. The day I was
there there was nothing coarse in his remarks.
(Picture of) The foundations of the Temple.
These are the foundations of the magnificent Temple the
Mormons are building. It is to be built of hewn stone--and
will cover several acres of ground. They say it shall
eclipse in splendor all other temples in the world. They
also say it shall be paved with solid gold.
It is perhaps worthy of remark that the architect of this
contemplated gorgeous affair repudiated Mormonism--and is
now living in London.
(Picture of) The Temple as it is to be.
This pretty little picture is from the architect's design--
and cannot therefore--I suppose--be called a fancy sketch.
(Artemus had the windows of the temple in his panorama cut
out and filled in with transparent colored paper, so that,
when lighted from behind, it had the effect of one of the
little plaster churches, with a piece of lighted candle
inside, which the Italian image-boys display at times for
sale in the streets. Nothing in the course of the evening
pleased Artemus more than to notice the satisfaction with
which this meretricious piece of absurdity was received by
the audience.)
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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