Mi private opinyun iz--that originality in writing waz played out long ago, and the very best that enny man kan do, iz tew steal with good judgement, and then own it like a man. Mi private opinyun iz--that the most that learning kan do for us, iz tew teach us how little we kno. Mi private opinyun ov civilashun iz--that it alwus ends in luxury, and luxury alwus ends in destruckshun. The barbarians hav alwus outlasted the Christians, i am dredful sorry for this, but i kant help it. Mi private opinyun ov dandys iz--that they are moraly hybrid, and i guess they are other ways too. Mi private opinyun iz--that when a man haint got enny thing tew say, then iz the best time not tew say it. My private opinyun iz--that sum men did aktually spring from the monkey, and didn’t hav fur tew spring neither. [Illustration] Mi private opinyun ov _Rum_ iz--that the man who sells it to hiz fello man iz wuss than a hiwayman--the hiwayman demands yure munny or yure life--the rumseller demands both. Mi private opinyun ov “_Wimmin’s Rites_” iz--that natur haz fixt them jist about _rite_, and natur never underlets a kontrakt, nor baks out ov a posishun. Mi private opinyun iz--that humorous lektures kan never be a suckcess, for two reasons--one iz, bekauze most people look upon the men who makes them laff az vastly inferior to them, and the other iz, bekauze a writer in the _Atlantik Monthly_ sez so. My private opinyun ov sektarian religion iz--that it iz like sider drawn from a musty kask, it alwus tastes ov the kask. Thoze who at last enter Heaven may find the outer walls plakarded with kreeds, but they wont find enny on the inside. Mi private opinyun iz--that virtew iz better than gold, but i also hav bin told that 10 dollars in gold will go farther towards bilding a church, or a hoss ralerode, than all the piety ov Moses. Mi private opinyun ov human natur iz--that it is like a setting hen, just as krazy tew set whare thare aint no egs as whare thare iz. Mi private opinyun ov Adam iz--that without enny experience at all, in running the machine, he dun jist as well as the man ov to-day would do, let him step into Paradise to-morrow. Mi private opinyun ov sparking iz--that az a rekreashun, it iz delightful, but when it settles down into a stiddy bizzness, it iz like hash 3 times a day, rather mixt phood. Mi private opinyun iz--that the man who mistakes a surly temper for superior intelligence, iz like a toothless kur, who got whipt in hiz last fite, and iz a going tew git lickt in his next one. Mi private opinyun iz--that a young man oftner neglekts hiz genius for sawing wood than he does for writing poetry. Mi private opinyun iz--that adversity and temtashun are the very best kind ov tests ov virtew. Mi private opinyun ov all bores iz--that the gimblet kind iz the most sarching. Mi private opinyun ov human happiness iz--that it iz like Joner’s gourd, it often looses in a nite all that it gru in a day.