The man who hain’t red the morning paper, and the man who haz, are about alike uneazy tew encounter. The one who haint, iz az kross az a dog who haint got enny bone, and the other phellow iz az stiff in the back az the dog who haz got two. I luv miself tew read the morning paper, and i also luv tew go onst in a while away over on the other side ov the mountain, whare thare aint enny morning paper, and set down, and feel ignorant all day. It iz like turning an old hoss out tew grass, and gitting the oats all out ov him. This ceaseless hankering after nuze iz a good way tew forgit life, but iz not the best way tew enjoy it. It iz often only a mania, and it iz quite az often the kase that what a man learns in this way to day, he phinds out tomorrow aint so. But an Amerikan kant git along without hiz morning paper. Red hot nuze iz just as necessary tew him tew begin the day with az sider brandy fresh from the still iz to an old toper. ON COURTING. Courting is a luxury, it is sallad, it is ise water, it is a beveridge, it is the pla spell ov the soul. The man who has never courted haz lived in vain; he haz bin a blind man amung landskapes and waterskapes; he has bin a deff man in the land ov hand orgins, and by the side ov murmuring canals. Courting iz like 2 little springs ov soft water that steal out from under a rock at the fut ov a mountain and run down the hill side by side singing and dansing and spatering each uther, eddying and frothing and kaskading, now hiding under bank, now full ov sun and now full ov shadder, till bimeby tha jine and then tha go slow. I am in faver ov long courting; it gives the parties a chance to find out each uther’s trump kards, it iz good exercise, and is jist as innersent as 2 merino lambs. Courting iz like strawberries and cream, wants tew be did slow, then yu git the flaver. Az a ginral thing i wouldn’t brag on uther gals mutch when i waz courting, it mite look az tho yu knu tew mutch. If yu will court 3 years in this wa, awl the time on the square if yu don’t sa it iz a leettle the slikest time in yure life, yu kan git measured for a hat at my expense, and pa for it. Don’t court for munny, nor buty, nor relashuns, theze things are jist about az onsartin as the kerosene ile refining bissness, liabel tew git out ov repair and bust at enny minnit. Court a gal for fun, for the luv yu bear her, for the vartue and bissness thare is in her; court her for a wife and for a mother, court her as yu wud court a farm--for the strength ov the sile and the parfeckshun ov the title; court her as tho she want a fule, and yu a nuther; court her in the kitchen, in the parlor, over the wash-tub, and at the pianner; court this wa, yung man, and if yu don’t git a good wife and she don’t git a good hustband, the falt won’t be in the courting. Yung man, yu kan rely upon Josh Billings, and if yu kant make these rules wurk jist send for him and he will sho yu how the thing is did, and it shant kost yu a cent.