If i had a boy now who had enny simptoms ov enny kind ov lawless, unfixed, and flux noshuns, and who didn’t seem tew kare whether he ever amounted tew enny thing or not, and who couldn’t tell whare he waz last night till half past two this Morning, and who couldn’t recognize hiz own washer-woman, and who wanted tew go into bizzness fur himself, at 16 years old, with a kapital ov two bottles ov Phalon’s extrakt, and a mustash, that resembled the mold on a pound ov limeberger cheese, I would say confidenshally tu him: “_Son_, i hav ben tew blame thus far in frameing yure timber, but yu kan bet them pattent leather boots yu hav got on, and witch haint bin paid for yet, that from now hereafter yu hav got tew begin agin, and weed out yure gardin sass, and sucker yure grape vine, and plough up yure wild oats, and underdrain yure swamp land, and bush hook yure briar patch and fix yure farm for a krop ov sum kind ov grain that will not disgrace both son and daddy, when it iz brought tew market.” This iz the way i would converse with the young Billings, and if he didn’t begin, in ten minnitts, tew take an akount ov hiz bad dets, but begin tew argy the pint with me, and ackt yung rooster up and down in front ov me, mi strong impreshun iz now, that i would retreat a step and let fly mi left purswader, and land that boy sum 60 feet futher oph than he waz. It would hav bin six hundred dollars in mi vest pocket if sum philanthropisst, about thirty years ago, had got mi knob in chancery, and not given up the case till he had punched out ov my hed the fresh water noshun that the best way tew foller a blind trail in the wilderness waz not tew take enny compass. This kind ov ded sure knowledge, amung fresh yung men, haz landed four hundred out ov evry five hundred ov them, before they had got half way thru life, into sum soft swamp, and the other hundred hav sot out the close ov their lifes on a fence, lamenting the hard work they did, in their younger daze, tew make * * * phools ov themselfs. I kno it iz az eazy az chawing gum, for a yung instutution ov a boy, who haz got a burning-fluid natur, tew be anxious tew jine all the torch-lite doings in the country, and tew holler “amen” before the prayer iz haff through; but i feel it my duty tew tell these camphene children tew cork up their litening. I don’t want enny body’s boy Billy tew be a ded hed; a skim-milk cheeze; a colporter of water gruel; a putty babeling; a kurl-papered nussery doll; an apron-tied anatomy blonde; a timid corpse amung hiz phellows, afraid ov a bug, and satisfied with a kitten. I ain’t voting for this breed ov boys; i only ask the virginity ov mi sex tew make up their minds, from the experiences ov those who have observed the elaphant, that youth waz given them, not tew be boss, but apprentiss; not tew lead, but tew foller; not tew harvest, but tew plant.