This would be a good excuse if there waz enny truth in it; the fackt iz, if such men had a family, they would be the grasshoppers themselfs that the bible speaks ov, as weighing so mutch to the pound. An old bachelor will brag about hiz freedum to you, hiz relief from anxiety, hiz independance. This iz a dead beat past ressurrection, for evryboddy knows there ain’t a more anxious dupe on earth than he iz. All hiz dreams are charcole sketches, ov boarding-school misses; he dresses, greases hiz hair, paints hiz grizzly mustash, cultivates bunyons and corns, tew pleese hiz captains, the wimmin, and only gits laffed at for hiz pains. I tried being an old bachelor till i waz about twenty years old, and cum very near dieing a dozen times. I had more sharp pain in one year than i have had since, put it all in a heap; i waz in a lively fever all the time. If a man haint got ennything in hiz natur but vanity and self-love, he iz very apt tew want to be an old bachelor, and generally makes a good specimen ov the critters; but what more disgusting traits can a man have than these?--and thare iz no stronger argument in favor ov gitting married than the fackt that thare aint nothing that will kure theze komplaints so thoroly az a wife and fifteen or twenty babes. There iz only one person who haz inhabited this world thus far, that i think could hav bin an old bachelor and done the subjekt justiss, and he waz Adam; but since Adam saw fit to open the ball, i hold it iz every man’s duty to selekt a partner, and keep the dance hot. HORNS. In writing the biographi ov _horns_, i am astonished tew find so menny ov them, and so entirely different in their pedigree and pretenshuns. “_Cape Horn._”--Cape Horn iz the biggest horn known to man. It iz a native ov the extreme bottom ov South Amerika, and gores the oshun. Cape Horn iz hollow, and akts az a phunnell for the winds, which hurry thru it in mutch haste, cauzing the waters ov the sea for a grate distance tew bekum crazy, which frightens the vessells that go by thare, and makes them rare and pitch tremenjus. This horn iz like a sour old bull in the hiway, and dont seem tew be ov enny use, only tew make folks go out ov their way tew git round it. “_Horn ov a dilemma._”--Dilemma iz derived from the siamese verb “_diloss_,” which means _a tite spot_, and haz a horn on each end ov it. Thare iz no choice in theze two horns; if yu seize one ov them the other may perforate yu, and if yu dont take either both of them may pitch into you. I always avoid them if possible, but when possibility gives out, mi rule iz tew shut up both eyes, and fite both prongs with mi whole grit. Nine times out ov ten this will smash a dilemma, and it iz alwus a good fite if yu git licked the tenth. Yu kant argy or reason with the horn ov a dilemma, the only way iz tew advance in and fight for the gross amount.