Thare iz only two animals ov the earth that will eat tobakko--one iz a man and tuther iz a gote, but the gote understands it the most, for he swallers the spit, chaw and all. The male gote, when he iz pensiv, iz a venerable and philosophy looking old cuss, and wouldn’t make a bad proffessor ov arithmetik in sum ov our colleges. They are handy at living a longtime, reaching an advanced age without arriving at enny definite konklusion. How long a gote livs without giving it up, thare iz no man now old enuff tew tell. Methuzeler, if hiz memory waz bad at forgetting, mite giv a good-sized guess, but unfortunately for science and this essa, Methuzeler aint here. Gotes will liv in enny klimate, and on enny vittles, except tanbark, and if they ever cum to a square death, it iz a profound sekret, in the hands of a few, to this day. I wouldn’t like tew beleave enny man under oath who had ever seen a maskuline gote acktually die, and stay so. Speaking ov Methuzeler, puts me in mind ov the fackt, if a man should liv now daze, as mutch az he did, and only hav one eye tew see things with, he would hav to hav an addishun bilt onto the back ov hiz head tew sto away things into. The femail gote iz either the mother, or sister, or cuzzin ov the male gote, ackording tew the prevailing circumstansis in the case, or else i labour under a delusion, i forget witch. They giv milk intuitively about a quart, before it iz watered, in twelve hours, which iz the subjickt ov nourishment in various ways. This milk, whitch is extrakted from the female gote, iz excellent tew finish up yung ones on, but is apt to make them bellycose, and fightful. It iz not unkommon for a babe, while inhaleing this pugnashus fluid, to let oph hiz left colleckshun or diggit and ketch the nurse on the pinnakle ov the smeller, and tap it for claret. This iz a kommon fakt amung irish babes, and explains the reazon whi, in after life, these same babes make such brilliant hits. In writing the history ov the male and female gote tew adorn the pages ov futer times, i flatter miself that i hav stuck tew the truth, and haven’t allowed mi imaginashun tew boss the job. A grate menny ov our best bilt historians are apt tew mistake opinyuns for facts, this iz an eazy mistake tew make, but when i strike a goose, or bed bugg, or gote, yu notis one thing, i stay with them.--Finis. GOOSE TALK. The goose is a grass-animal but don’t chaw her cud. They are good livers; about one aker to a goose iz enuff, altho there iz sum folks who thinks one goose tew 175 akers, iz nearer right. These two calculations are so fur apart, it iz difficult tew tell now, which will finally win. But i don’t think, if i had a farm ov 175 akers, awl paid for, that i would sell it for half what it was worth, just bekauze it didn’t hav but one goose on it. Geese stay well; sum ov our best biographers say, 70 years, and grow tuff tew the last. [Illustration: GOOSE TALK.]