The Cornhill Magazine (vol. XLI, no. 245 new series, November 1916)Various
History
The Cornhill Magazine (vol. XLI, no. 245 new series, November 1916)
Various
England -- Periodicals; English literature -- Periodicals; Short stories, English -- Periodicals
Meanwhile he was the darling of the college; where, from the good Master,
through ranks of dons and gownsmen, down to gyps and bed-makers, he was
an object of interest and of admiration. And this less from snobbery, the
vulgar spirit—too common among us—which ‘loves a lord,’ than from his own
charm and grace and the irresistible way he had with him. The affection
he inspired and interest he excited, touched and amused him, when he
happened to be conscious of it; but his eyes, so I fancied, were set on
something beyond, and as the time of departure drew near I seemed to
observe in him a growing preoccupation and restlessness.
And so the anniversary of his hurried journey to find me came
round—the anniversary, too, of Fédore’s death. Did he remember it, I
wondered—remember his torment of suspense and desolation? He never spoke
of Fédore, or of the crowded events of those few rather desperate days.
The recuperative power of youth is wellnigh unlimited. Was remembrance of
them erased from his mind by a natural and healthy process of attrition,
or was his silence intentional? Again I wondered.
When he left Cambridge I should go with him, and not for the long
vacation merely. But, by the Master’s kind advice and permission, I was
to retain both my fellowship and my rooms, putting in so much residence
in the course of the year as I could manage. Of this I was glad. Not for
an instant did I hesitate to follow Hartover; but it would, I own, have
caused me a keen pang to sever my connection with the university entirely.
All day, on the anniversary of Fédore’s death, I had been packing
and sorting my now not inconsiderable library, destroying—odious
occupation—old letters and papers. While so engaged the thought of Nellie
Braithwaite had been curiously, almost oppressively, present to me. Only
thrice had I seen her during the past eight or nine months. I should, in
all probability, see her even less frequently in future. Yes, Hartover’s
emancipation, strangely enough, parted us far more effectually than
Hartover’s wrongdoings or Hartover’s troubles ever had. Would she live
on, without change of estate or of place, from girlhood to womanhood,
womanhood to old age, busied with home and household, and the care of her
father, still cherishing the exquisite yet unfruitful love of her youth?
That was a lovely picture, but a sad one. As I destroyed papers, sorted
and packed my books, I almost unconsciously placed another picture beside
it. For years hence, when the shadows grew long, might it not be possible
she would weary of such an existence? Then, in the twilight, might not my
turn come, might not she and I grow old together, dwelling under the same
roof, bearing the same name at last? A lovely picture too—if a little dim
and pallid—lovely at least to me. I went on with my sorting and packing,
a smile on my lips and grip of not unpleasant pain about my heart.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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