It was not she. His trouble was as yet vague and purely impersonal. She
saw (it was her business) by every infallible sign and token that it was
not she. She saw, too, that he was enraged with her for this reason,
that it was not she. That showed that he was approaching headlong the
point of danger; and she, if she were his friend, was bound to keep him
back. He was not in love with her or with any one, but he was in that
insane mood when honourable men marry, sometimes disastrously. Any
woman, even she, could draw him to her now by holding out her hand.
And between them there came a terror, creeping like a beast of prey,
dumb, and holding them dumb. She searched for words to dispel it, but no
words came; her heart beat too quickly; he must hear it beat. That was
not the signal he was waiting for, that beating of her heart.
He tried to give himself the semblance and the sense of ease by walking
about the room and examining the things in it. There were some that it
had lacked before, signs that the young novelist had increased in
material prosperity. Yes. He had liked her better when she had worked
harder and was as poor as he. They had come to look on poverty as their
protection from the ruinous world. He now realized that it had also been
their protection from each other. He was too poor to marry.
He reflected with some bitterness that Jane was not, now.
She in her corner called him from his wanderings. She had made the
coffee. He drank it where he stood, on the hearthrug, ignoring his old
place on the sofa by her side.
She brooded there, leaving her cup untasted. She had man[oe]uvred to
keep him. And now she wished that she had let him go.
"Aren't you going to drink your coffee?" he said.
"No. I shan't sleep if I do."
"Haven't you been sleeping?"
"Not very well."
"That's why you're looking like your portrait. That man isn't such a
silly ass as I thought he was."
"I wish," she said, "you'd contrive to forget him, and it, and
everything."
"Everything?"
"You know what I mean. The horrid thing that's happened to me. My--my
celebrity." She brought it out with a little shiver of revolt.
He laughed. "But when you remind me of it every minute? When it's
everlastingly, if I may say so, on the carpet?"
Her eyes followed his. It was evident that she had bought a new one.
"It doesn't mean what you think it does. It isn't, it really isn't as
bad as that----"
"I was afraid."
"You needn't be. I'm still living from hand to mouth, only rather larger
mouthfuls."
"Why apologize?"
"I can't help it. You make me feel like some horrid literary parvenu."
"_I_ make you feel----?"
"Yes. You--you. You don't think me a parvenu, do you?" she pleaded.
"You know what I think you."
"I don't. I only know what you used to think me."
"I think the same."
"Tell me--tell me."
"I think, if you can hold yourself together for the next five years,
you'll write a superb book, Jinny. But it all depends on what you do
with yourself in the next five years."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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