FEAST, n. A festival. A religious celebration signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness. In the Roman Catholic Church feasts are "movable" and "immovable," but the celebrants are uniformly immovable until they are full. In their earliest development these entertainments took the form of feasts for the dead; such were held by the Greeks, under the name of Nemeseia, by the Aztecs and Peruvians, as in modern times they are popular with the Chinese; though it is believed that the ancient dead, like the modern, were light eaters. Feasts on the dead are celebrated with great éclat in Fiji. Among the many feasts of the Romans was the Novemdiale, which was held, according to Livy, whenever stones fell from heaven. Of all the feast days of the various Christian churches none has any sanction in the gospel. Men make gods of their bellies, and then these gods ordain festivals. FELON, n. A person of greater enterprise than discretion, who in embracing an opportunity has formed an unfortunate attachment. FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex. The Maker, at Creation's birth, With living things had stocked the earth. From elephants to bats and 'snails, They all were good, for all were males. But when the Devil came and saw He said: "By Thine eternal law Of growth, maturity, decay, These all must quickly pass away And leave untenanted the earth Unless Thou dost establish birth"-- Then tucked his head beneath his wing To laugh--he had no sleeve--the thing With deviltry did so accord, That he'd suggested to the Lord. The Master pondered this advice, Then shook and threw the fateful dice Wherewith all matters here below Are ordered, and observed the throw; Then bent His head in awful state, Confirming the decree of Fate. From every part of earth anew The conscious dust consenting flew, While rivers from their courses rolled To make it plastic for the mould. Enough collected (but no more, For niggard Nature hoards her store) He kneaded it to flexile clay, While Nick unseen threw some away. And then the various forms He cast, Gross organs first and fine the last; No one at once evolved, but all By even touches grew and small Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade, To match all living things, He'd made Females, complete in all their parts Except (His clay gave out) the hearts. "No matter," Satan cried; "with speed I 'll fetch the very hearts they need"-- So flew to Hell and soon brought back The number needed, in a sack. That night earth rang with sounds of strife-- Ten million males had each a wife; That night sweet Peace her pinions spread O'er Hell--ten million devils dead! G.J.