English language -- Dictionaries -- Humor; English language -- Semantics -- Humor; Vocabulary -- Humor
In his great work on Divergent Lines of Racial Evolution, the learned
and ingenious Professor Brayfugle argues from the prevalence of this
gesture--the shrug--among Frenchmen, that they are descended from turtles,
and it is simply a survival of the habit of retracting the head inside
the shell. It is with reluctance that I differ with so eminent an
authority, but in my judgment (as more elaborately set forth and
enforced in my work entitled Hereditary Emotions -- lib. II, c. XI) the
shrug is a poor foundation upon which to build so important a theory,
for previously to the Revolution the gesture was unknown. I have not
a doubt that it is directly referable to the terror inspired by the
guillotine during the period of that instrument's awful activity.
GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement
of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted. By most
writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to the Chinese, but not
upon very convincing evidence. Milton says it was invented by the devil
to kill angels with, and this opinion seems to derive some support from
the scarcity of angels. Moreover, it has the hearty concurrence of the
Hon. James Wilson, Secretary of Agriculture. Secretary Wilson became
interested in gunpowder through an event that occurred on the Government
experimental farm in the District of Columbia. One day, some years
ago, some rogue, imperfectly reverent of his profound attainments and
personal character, presented him with a sack of gunpowder, representing
it as the seed of the Flashawful flabbergastor, a Patagonian cereal
of great commercial value, admirably adapted to this climate. The good
Secretary was instructed to spill it along in a furrow and afterward
inhume it with soil. This he at once proceeded to do, and had made a
continuous line of it all the way across a ten-acre field, when he was
made to look backward by a shout from the generous donor, who at once
dropped a lighted match into the furrow at the starting-point. Contact
with the earth had somewhat dampened the powder, but the startled
functionary saw himself pursued by a tall moving pillar of fire
and smoke in fierce evolution. He stood for a moment paralyzed and
speechless, then he recollected an engagement, and, dropping all,
absented himself thence with such surprising celerity that to the eyes
of spectators along the route selected he appeared like a long, dim
streak of farmer prolonging itself with inconceivable rapidity through
seven villages, and audibly refusing to be comforted. "Great Scott! what
is that?" cried a surveyor's chainman, shading his eyes and gazing at
the fading line of agriculturist which bisected his visible horizon.
"That," said the surveyor, carelessly, glancing at the phenomenon and
again centring his attention upon his instrument, "is the Meridian of
Washington."
H
HABEAS CORPUS. A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail and asked
how he likes it.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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