English language -- Dictionaries -- Humor; English language -- Semantics -- Humor; Vocabulary -- Humor
HALO, n. Properly, a luminous ring encircling an astronomical body,
but not infrequently confounded with "aureola," or "nimbus," a somewhat
similar phenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinities and saints. The
halo is a purely optical illusion, produced by moisture in the air,
in the manner of a rainbow; but the aureola is conferred as a sign of
superior sanctity, in the same way as a bishop's mitre, or the Pope's
tiara. In the painting of the Nativity, by Szedgkin, a pious artist of
Pesth, not only do the Virgin and the Child wear the nimbus, but an ass
nibbling hay from the sacred manger is similarly decorated and, to his
lasting honor be it said, appears to bear his unaccustomed dignity with
a truly saintly grace.
HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and
commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
HANDKERCHIEF, n. A small square of silk or linen, used in various
ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals to
conceal the lack of tears. The handkerchief is of recent invention; our
ancestors knew nothing of it and intrusted its duties to the sleeve.
Shakespeare's introducing it into the play of "Othello" is an
anachronism: Desdamona dried her nose with her coat-tails as Dr. Mary
Walker and other reformers have done in our own day--an evidence that
revolutions sometimes go backward.
HANGMAN, n. An officer of the law charged with duties of the highest
dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a
populace having a criminal ancestry. In some of the American States his
functions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey, where
executions by electricity have recently been ordered--the first instance
known to this lexicographer of anybody questioning the expediency of
hanging Jersey men.
HAPPINESS, n. An agreeble sensation arising from contemplating the
misery of another.
HARANGUE, n. A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harangoutang.
HARBOR, n. A place where ships taking shelter from storms are exposed to
the fury of the customs.
HARMONISTS, n. A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from Europe
in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for the
bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions.
HASH, x. There is no definition for this word--nobody knows what hash is.
HATCHET, n. A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk.
"O bury the hatchet, irascible Red,
For peace is a blessing," the White Man said.
The Savage concurred, and that weapon
interred,
With imposing rites, in the White Man's head.
John Lukkus.
HATRED, n. The sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
success or superiority.
HEAD-MONEY, n. A capitation or polltax.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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