"Then there is a silver mug to be considered. The only thing you can drink out of a mug is beer; yet it is a popular present. Perhaps you, with your (supposed) greater knowledge of babies, will explain this. Meanwhile I am, "THE BABY'S UNCLE" "_P.S._--Which is a much finer thing than a mother." To which her mother: "MY DEAR BOY,--It is too sweet of you to say you would like to get baby something. No, I don't know how coral reefs are made, and I don't want to. I think it is wicked of you to talk like that; I'm sure I sha'n't dare to let her wear anything valuable now. And I don't think she really wants a mug. "I'm sure I don't know what she does want, except to see her uncle (There!), but it ought to be something that she'll value when she grows up. And of course we could keep it for her in the meantime. "Her father has smoked his last cigar to-day. Isn't it awful? I have forbidden him to waste his money on any more, but he says he _must_ give me five hundred for a Christmas present. If he does, I shall give him that sideboard that I want so badly, and then we shall both go to prison together. You will look after baby, won't you? I am, "THE BABY'S MOTHER" "_P.S._--Which she isn't proud, but does think it's a little bit classier than an uncle." And so, finally, I; "DEAR CHILD,--I've thought of the very thing. I am, THE BABY'S UNCLE" That ends Chapter I. Here we go on to CHAPTER II Chapter II finds me in the toy department of the Stores. "I want," I said, "a present for a child." "Yes, sir. About how old?" "It must be quite new," I said sternly. "Don't be silly. Oh, I see. Well, the child is only a baby." "Ah, yes. Now here--if it's at all fond of animals----" "I say, you mustn't call it 'IT.' _I_ get in an awful row if _I_ do. Of course, I suppose it's all right for you, only--well, be careful, won't you?" The attendant promised, and asked whether the child was a boy or a girl. "And had you thought of anything for the little girl?" "Well, yes. I had rather thought of a sideboard." "I beg your pardon?" "A sideboard." "The Sideboard Department is upstairs. Was there anything else for the little girl?" "Well, a box of cigars. Rather full, and if you have any----" "The Cigar Department is on the ground floor." "But your Lord Chamberlain told me I was to come here if I wanted a present for a child." "If you require anything in the toy line----" "Yes, but what good are toys to a baby of four months? Do be reasonable." "What was it _you_ suggested? A sideboard and a cigar?" "That was my idea. It may not be the best possible, but at least it is better than perfectly useless toys. You can always blow smoke in its face, or bump its head against the sideboard. _Experto crede_, if you have the Latin." Whereupon with great dignity I made my way to the lift.