Diary fiction; England -- Fiction; Humorous stories; Men -- England -- Fiction; Middle class -- Fiction; Suburban life -- Fiction
DECEMBER 29.—I had a most vivid dream last night. I woke up, and on
falling asleep, dreamed the same dream over again precisely. I dreamt I
heard Frank Mutlar telling his sister that he had not only sent me the
insulting Christmas card, but admitted that he was the one who punched my
head last night in the dark. As fate would have it, Lupin, at breakfast,
was reading extracts from a letter he had just received from Frank.
I asked him to pass the envelope, that I might compare the writing. He
did so, and I examined it by the side of the envelope containing the
Christmas card. I detected a similarity in the writing, in spite of the
attempted disguise. I passed them on to Carrie, who began to laugh. I
asked her what she was laughing at, and she said the card was never
directed to me at all. It was “L. Pooter,” not “C. Pooter.” Lupin asked
to look at the direction and the card, and exclaimed, with a laugh: “Oh
yes, Guv., it’s meant for me.”
I said: “Are you in the habit of receiving insulting Christmas cards?”
He replied: “Oh yes, and of _sending_ them, too.”
In the evening Gowing called, and said he enjoyed himself very much last
night. I took the opportunity to confide in him, as an old friend, about
the vicious punch last night. He burst out laughing, and said: “Oh, it
was _your head_, was it? I know I accidentally hit something, but I
thought it was a brick wall.” I told him I felt hurt, in both senses of
the expression.
DECEMBER 30, Sunday.—Lupin spent the whole day with the Mutlars. He
seemed rather cheerful in the evening, so I said: “I’m glad to see you so
happy, Lupin.” He answered: “Well, Daisy is a splendid girl, but I was
obliged to take her old fool of a father down a peg. What with his
meanness over his cigars, his stinginess over his drinks, his farthing
economy in turning down the gas if you only quit the room for a second,
writing to one on half-sheets of note-paper, sticking the remnant of the
last cake of soap on to the new cake, putting two bricks on each side of
the fireplace, and his general ‘outside-halfpenny-‘bus-ness,’ I was
compelled to let him have a bit of my mind.” I said: “Lupin, you are not
much more than a boy; I hope you won’t repent it.”
DECEMBER 31.—The last day of the Old Year. I received an extraordinary
letter from Mr. Mutlar, senior. He writes: “Dear Sir,—For a long time
past I have had considerable difficulty deciding the important question,
‘Who is the master of my own house? Myself, or _your son_ Lupin?’
Believe me, I have no prejudice one way or the other; but I have been
most reluctantly compelled to give judgment to the effect that I am the
master of it. Under the circumstances, it has become my duty to forbid
your son to enter my house again. I am sorry, because it deprives me of
the society of one of the most modest, unassuming, and gentlemanly
persons I have ever had the honour of being acquainted with.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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